Of Ham and Eggs of Green

Posted by E

Saturday, September 8, 2007

I thought I'd change things up a bit this post. Instead of focusing on any kind of real world event, current or historic, or blathering on for ages about some topic that many Bonez readers have little to no interest in, I thought I might just reach into the dusty vault of work I had committed to 1's and 0's before my emergence at Bonez.

Instead of presenting something new or original, (let's face it, that's SO 2006), I thought I'd befoul this place with a small piece of my own personal literature. Does this story have any real value? No. But truthfully, it amuses me greatly.

Allow me to give a little background on it before I present it. A certain woman who is very near and dear to me used to present me with challenges in order to keep my writing chops up. We had recently been on a rather long car trip together, and to amuse ourselves over the long miles we played some books on tape. One such tape contained 18th century tales of horror, and the stories, while good, were written in such a poncy language that we could not help but laugh at them. She soon thereafter requested that I construct a piece in that heavy, overdone language. This is what came out of that.



Mere moments had passed since my morning respite, and I, feeling quite refreshed and eager to face the day’s challenges had nestled myself snugly into my favorite chair, perchance to rest just a bit longer.

Suddenly, I heard the sound. It was that of boot on cobblestone, ratcheting the air and befouling my repose with its blasphemous clatter. I clasped my hands to my ears, ratiocinating under duress that mayhap if I could not hear the commotion approaching, then indeed this very act would cease its infernal racket. But unfortunately, it was not to be, for out in the distance, on the horizon, a figure appeared, bathed in shadow its name and meaning a beguiling mystery to me.

The dark figure neared, and as it approached I became keenly aware of a placard being held aloft by the mysterious figure. My mind awash with curiosity, I had no choice but to stare at the unholy visage as it passed.

The sign was simple, and bore but three words. “Samuel I am”, and as quickly as he had appeared, the stranger once again disappeared into shadow.

“What manner of imp is this,” I wondered aloud, “which takes such pleasure in disrupting the serenity of others on such a fine day!”

I closed my eyes for a fleeting moment, and upon reopening them discovered that the vile creature had returned, yet this time his bill was turned and the image of his new message burned itself into my consciousness.

I hesitate to reveal to you, dear reader, the words so emblazoned in my psyche, but for the benefit of your edification I have no choice but to make these words clear.

“I am Samuel”.

Whence from this beast came, I cannot say, but suffice to say my animosity towards this creature was ever growing.

“That Samuel! That Samuel! I truly fear this beast from Hell!”

Unbeknownst to me, dear reader, this vile monster heard every word uttered forth from my gullet, and with a mischievous grin turned to face me, holding a platter of mysterious foodstuffs, and ushered forth the following discourse.

“What say you to ham and eggs of green?”

Rage swelled within me. What right did this beast have to question me on culinary matters? Was he so numb to the audacity of the situation that he believed himself justified to treat me as such? I had no choice but to reply.


“Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel”

I would like to say to you, my literary compatriot, that this tirade of mine rid me of the hideous curse of Samuel’s companionship, but alas, the good lord saw fit to continue my trials alongside this insidious fiend.

“Would you prefer them hence or whence?”

“I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

And with this said, Samuel grabbed me bodily and pulled me from my chair, forcibly pushing your humble narrator down the road until we approached the residence of my neighbor. I stifled the urge to cry for help, knowing full well that not a soul apart from vermin was stirring within this home.

“How about against this wall
To sup along a beast which crawls?”

“Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

Samuel spun me round and faced me towards a crate which lay on the ground.

“Would you consider in a crate
With perchance, a fox as mate?”

“This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

And again under his control, I was led forth to a horse and buggy hitched alongside the road.

“Wouldst you say nay if t’were in a carriage?
Could you do so without such umbrage?”

“Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

But Samuel’s resolve was unshaken, and pointing to the nearest tree continued his attempt to sway my opinion.

“Your words to me seek to deceive
You might enjoy amongst the leaves.”

“Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

“Perhaps surrounded by a group of men?”


“No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

And with this, he forced me into my neighbor’s home, and moving quickly drew back the curtains to drown out all of this glorious day’s sun.

“What about right in here?
For if it is the sight you fear
Then eating here in room of black
Would help you to enjoy this snack”

“It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”

“You do not like my food so well?”

“I don’t like YOU, foul Samuel!”

At once Sam burst through the door. For a moment I felt elated, the beast now fully dissipated, his mind must now be deflated, because this creature I have berated.

It must be apparent to you by now that the time I had spent with Samuel had taken its toll on me. I was finding myself now thinking in rhyme, a trait which can only be attributed to the scourge knownst to you as Samuel.

Just as I was collecting myself and making preparations for the cessation of my day, the door burst open and in came Sam with a beast of burden. Looking me coldly in the eyes he continued his tirade.

“Would you dine now with this goat?
Not here, of course, but on a boat?”

My rage bubbled to the surface.

“Why is it that you cannot see
That your games do not tempt me
It may just be, I cannot tell
That you are a beast from Hell
Leave me now, and let me be!
You foul accursed entity!
It is not the food I fear
It is your unsightly leer
I do not care to try such food
Especially from one so rude
No, no, no, I say again!
Your manners are so full of sin
Have I not made myself clear?
With you I will not sup this year
Oh why, oh why must you persist?
Your presence is a pestilence
Again I speak without delay
Why cannot you leave this day?
This thought of yours I truly hate
And so again I shall berate
Hear Samuel and heed my call
I do not like this choice at all
I would not like it either way
Now hear my words and go away
Of ham and eggs of green
I do admit I am not keen
You are naught but a ne’er do well
Begone from me, foul Samuel!”


And spaketh Samuel:

“You claim to hate them, so you say
But these you have not tried this day
Perhaps with just one simple bite
Your inner spirit will alight
One taste for you, it will delight
And then I will bade you good night”



Finding myself unable to bear this torment any further, I sought to placate the insatiable desires of my most loathsome acquaintance.

“If I had a single wish
T’would be your head upon this dish
But since this wish cannot come true
I’ll do my best to placate you
After all your endless taunts
I find it is your meal I want
If this can make you go away
This food I will eat everyday!”

And so, with trembling hands full of trepidation, I did, in fact, eat every bite of food proffered to me. I would not go so far as to say I did this with glee, but I did not hesitate for fear that Samuel would not leave. To my great surprise, I found his dish to be a culinary masterpiece, resplendent with flavor and of a perfect texture and consistency. To Samuel I then turned.

“Truth be told, dear Samuel
I mistook you for a beast from Hell
I ate your food, you got your wish
I would even have another dish
With your means I can’t agree
All you did was trouble me
But your point now has been made
My debt to you has now been paid
I do like them, as you say
And would eat them everyday
I would eat them with your goat
Even perched upon a boat
I would eat in room of black
Upon your food I would then snack
I would eat this meal again
Even amongst a group of men
Though appearances may deceive
I would eat within a group of leaves
I’d still eat them, don’t disparage
Even if offered to me in a carriage
I thought, perhaps, this food I’d hate
But now I find I cannot wait
To sup within a wooden crate
With, perchance, a fox as mate
And with a beast, though it may crawl
I would dine right here against this wall
I would have them hence or whence
I would have them anywhere, since
As you have made abundantly clear
This food to me, it does endear
And though my mind was clouded then
This meal of yours I’ll eat again
And so I say without delay
I’ll dine with you another day
To sit and eat, and talk as well
With you, my dear friend Samuel.”

And Samuel, his task being completed, made quick with the gathering of his things and left me to myself, to ponder the meaning of our strange acquaintance. And to you, dear reader, I say only this, that food was an eternal bliss, and though I did not judge him well, I truly love that Samuel.