For My Number One Fan

Posted by E

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

One of the more exciting aspects of writing for Bonez is the fact that over the last year I have managed to amass my own little fanbase. Of course, by fanbase I mean that there are three or four people who do not immediately close the page when they see my frivolous pontifications gracing the banner headline.

But I would be remiss in my duties as chronicler if I neglected to mention the most insidious of all readers, namely "The Number One Fan". I call mine John, as that's what I've been informed its name is.

Learning that there was somebody out there who not only enjoyed my scribblings but ANTICIPATED their arrival was a truly enlightening experience. It means I had crossed the threshold from "Unknown" to "Virtually Unknown", a major step forward towards my ultimate goal of world domination.

Further reflection made me realize that not only was "John" my first and self admitted "Number One Fan", but he might, just might, be the one to ultimately seek out, stalk and destroy me.

Awesome.

But you know what, John? (If I may call you that.) I feel that it might be best if I give you some pointers on how best to develop the disturbing and inappropriate man-crush that will ultimately lead to my downfall and possible execution. This is serious business. Go about stalking me the wrong way and you'll risk losing me. And we don't want that, do we John?

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that as a stalker you need to start with innocuous activities. Have fun with the first steps! You haven't begun your gradual decline into madness and full blown obsession yet.

DO: Go out and start purchasing things I talk about. Hey, I wrote about Stinkor, go buy one! That Creepshow flick sounds scary! Go pick it up and invite your friends over to watch while you tell them little bits of trivia you learned from my articles. I seem obsessed with Guitar Hero, go out and get yourself a copy. I find it's best that we begin by imitating our idols.

You'd also do well to start building up an impressive knowledge of trivia and minutiae about my life so that you can both bore and creep out people you come across in your daily life. Some prime examples:

A) I anthropomorphize stuffed animals. As a result I am incapable of throwing them away.
B) I have to check my alarm clock at least three times when I set it.
C) As a result of multiple trips to the Netherlands, I prefer mayonnaise on my fries instead of ketchup.

DO NOT: Try and impress me with YOUR "zany" sense of humor. I write this witty crap as an unpaid semi-professional and don't you forget it! You will not win me over with crazy and over the top behavior meant to mimic my, at times, "odd" humor. So, no sending me yamulkes and asking to have them autographed. No tattooing of my XBox Live gamertag on a halibut. Let's keep it normal, at least for the time being.

Now eventually you'll need to graduate from cute to frightening, but don't worry I'll help you along. Again, it's important that I, as stalkee, do not become overly annoyed or terrified by you, as I may end up involving the authorities. This, again, is not what we want, John.

DO NOT: Get my phone number and start calling me constantly. I mean this. No heavy breathing, no creepy questions that show too much knowledge of my history, no expected direct personal contact.

I.
Hate.
Phones.

If you want ANY chance of stealing me away from my home for whatever nefarious and horrifically violent sexual purposes you've devised, you'll do best not to try and get me to speak on the devil box. Seriously.

DO: Start standing outside my bedroom window, staring longingly and unblinkingly up at me. It's okay if you want to openly and loudly sob to attract my attention. Once you have it, liven things up. Pull out an axe and a tube of KY and make references to vague concepts like "love surgery" and "stump pumpin'".

As you begin to cross the final threshold into utter madness, learn to understand me and my motivations. (Remember, this isn't just about you. You can't spell "social deviant with psychopathic tendencies" without "e".)

For instance:

"I don't like it here," translates into "Cut my achilles tendons so I can't escape!"

"Please let me go," ACTUALLY means "I want to be your limbless love toy."

And, of course, "Oh, god! Make the pain stop!" really means, "Dress me up like a Japanese school girl and post photos of me on the internet!"

Beyond these steps, John, it's best to use common sense. Don't come on too strong too quick. But bear in mind that I have been going to the gym lately, so come on quick before I get too strong.