Monday, August 4, 2008
The following test is only for guys (Sorry girls, maybe I will do a Hose-beast test soon). Answer each question honestly, and then tally your score to find out how MUCH of a douchebag you are.
ANSWER HONESTLY!!
1. I have cheated on my significant other(s) in my life:
a. Never!
b. Once – I was drunk / seduced / Rolling
c. A few times, but she was a bitch and deserved it!
d. 3 times this week, bro!!! *Fist Bump*
2. My Favorite show of those listed is:
a. Sportcenter
b. I don’t EVER watch TV
c. The Hills
d. Hannah Montana – I’d SO hit that!
3. I have worn a polo shirt with a “popped” collar:
a. Never – that shit is so gay
b. Only in the 80’s
c. A few times, but not anymore
d. Polo shirt? Motherfucker, I’m wearing FIVE and poppin’ the collars on TWO!
4. While lifting weights, I have screamed loudly:
a. Never
b. Once or twice but it “slipped” from sheer effort
c. Most of the time
d. Every time! Then I drop the weights loudly to make sure everyone sees how PUMPED I am!!
5. I use the term “Extreme”:
a. Only when very relevant
b. Occasionally
c. When referring to my skateboarding
d. Everything I do is extreme *Chugging a “DEW”*
6. On Valentines day I:
a. Buy my girl something nice, and have a good dinner
b. Take my girl out to dinner and ogle all the other hot bitches.
c. Give my girl a card that I picked up last second
d. Get a blow job, GIVE her my load in the eye!! Fuck yeah!
7. The best book I’ve ever read was:
a. Manufacturing Consent by Noam Chomsky
b. The Easiest Way to Meet and Pick Up Girls…Ever!! by Dusty White
c. Anything published by Penthouse
d. My little black book
8. I moved out of my parents' house when I was:
a. 18 or younger
b. 19-21
c. 21 – 27
d. Why move out?
9. I have “bounced” my chest muscles
a. Never – what?
b. Only in the mirror
c. For friends, just as a joke
d. All the time! Look at how ripped I am, bro!
10. I have a tattoo of:
a. Meaningful things that are important to me
b. Tattoos are not my thing.
c. Some stuff I picked off of the walls at the tattoo shop
d. Barbed wire armband, naked woman, or panther scratching you
11. I have _____ piercings below the neck:
a. None – I’ll leave that to the girls
b. One a long time ago
c. One currently
d. Both nipples and a prince albert! You wanna see!
12. I value what internet tests say about me:
a. Not at all.
b. A little, but mostly it’s just funny
c. I DO like to hear that I am only 38% gay.
d. I answer the questions dishonestly, then post the badass results on my MySpace!
13. In my MySpace Pictures, the main theme is:
a. Me and My Friends / Family
b. My Car
c. Me Throwing up gang signs, or holding dollar bills
d. My Abs, My Bling, or my picture photoshopped to include a model
14. I aspire to be:
a. A good parent / husband with a stable job
b. An artist (Musician, writer, sculptor, painter)
c. A Professional Athelete
d. A white rapper! I drops flows like the crimson warrior, son!
15. I have been so drunk that I had to be carried by my friends:
a. Never
b. Once – but it was my birthday!
c. A few times
d. Every weekend, bro!!! KEGSTAND!!!!!!
16. I feel most comfortable in the following outfit:
a. A t-shirt and a pair of jeans
b. A nice button up shirt and a pair of slacks
c. A wife beater (Shows off my gold chain) and sagging jeans
d. A pink polo shirt, with the collar popped, nigga! What you think?
17. When a chick cries around me, I:
a. Rub her back and ask what’s the matter
b. Roll my eyes, loudly sigh, and say, ”Here come the fuckin’ waterworks”
c. Turn up the tv and grab another beer
d. Stop my car, throw the bitch out and head back to the bar to catch another
18. My main topic of conversation is:
a. Whatever is on my mind
b. How badass I am
c. The girls I have been banging lately
d. How ripped my lats look!
19. I usually pick up girls:
a. Through Friends / Social Events
b. On the internet
c. At the bar by buying them drinks
d. By giving 17 year old girls alcohol at a party! Jailbait Shishkebob Motherfucker!!
20. I like to brag about
a. I don’t brag
b. My Grades
c. How much money I have
d. My Huge Cock
21. I drive a:
a. Regular Car
b. Big truck
c. A used BMW 3 series with tinted windows
d. An import car with vinyl stickers, Chrome wheels, and a loud exhaust. Wanna race?
22. I have slept with a girl that could be considered “too young”:
a. Never – I stick to my age range
b. Once, but she lied about her age
c. A few times
d. All the time! Jailbait pussy is the best!! Especially if she is crying!
23. I own ______ things that have a Playboy / Hustler / No fear / Big Johnson / Vivid logo on them:
a. None
b. One – but it was a gift
c. A few
d. Half my shit, bro! That shit lets you know I am down for EXTREME FUCKING!!!
24. I call my friends ______ when I'm talking to them:
a. Their name
b. Bro
c. "G"
d. NIGGA (and I’m white)
25. I would describe myself as:
a. Just a regular guy
b. A Badass
c. A totally ripped, extreme, bitch fucking, beer drinking walking hard-on.
d. A device used to introduce a stream of water and vinegar into the vagina
*BONUS QUESTION*
You live in New Jersey:
a. Nope
b. Jersey REPRAHSENT!!!
To score your test:
A = 0 points
B = 1 point (if you answered B on the bonus question +10)
C = 3 Points
D = 4 Points
Add all of your answers together.
0 points = You're a fucking liar, which makes you a giant douchebag. Fuck you. Go back to your myspace page.
1-10 Points = You're a very down to earth guy. Join us in mocking the douchebags!
10-40 points = You have douchey Tendancies, but there is still hope for you. Go back and look at your answers that were not answered with an "A". Fix those things now, before you slip into full Douchebag status!
40-60 Points = You are a Douchebag Junior. People mistakenly refer to you as an asshole behind your back. Let everyone know that you are a "Douchebag Junior" so that they will know what to call you. Assholes do not want you included in their classification.
60+ points = Congratulations! You are a GIANT DOUCHEBAG. All of your "friends" HATE you, and pray every night that you will get cancer. Your family is ashamed of you, and has tried to fight the government to legalize "91st term abortions". Every girl that you have ever touched cries herself to sleep every night thinking of the douchebag that forever tainted her. Those girls' fathers are planning your imminent torture, and eventual death. You should immediately be castrated to save the rest of the human race and future generations from your doucheyness.
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