Would You Like Some Death With That?

Posted by E

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

And so it was that I found myself at a Gamestop store last weekend, perusing their catalog in hopes of finding a game or two to play. While certainly not my favorite place to shop, they do tend to have a pretty wide selection of titles to choose from. I've always found their staff to be pushy and a tad elitist, but I don't sweat it too much, as I know more about games and gaming than 99% of their employee base.

So I wandered the store for the better part of 45 minutes, going over all of the various systems and games available. This is always a tough choice for me. The average game I purchase will be blown through in almost no time. Therefore I tend to either wait until a certain title is dirt cheap or try to choose things that are designed to eat time. To that end I ultimately decided on two games: Perfect Dark Zero for the Xbox 360 and Final Fantasy I for the PSP.

Perfect Dark was one of those games that I have very little interest in, but seeing as how it had dropped to $8 it was hard to pass up. And true to form, Final Fantasy was bought with the intention of taking a good long time to make my way through, perfect for a handheld system.

These games were not the cream of the crop, but were a perfectly acceptable budgeted purchase. If nothing else, a few hours of mindless entertainment could be drained from them.

I made my way up to the register and handed over the goods. The clerk regarded me with that standard disaffected look of apathy so evident in the world of retail. I don't blame them, it's mind numbing work. He did attempt to engage in light and friendly conversation, however and began the process of pulling the discs from the cabinets while I watched a demo of the new Star Wars game.

Discs in hand, he returned to the counter and began ringing me up proper.

Now understand, I am at this store with a pair of shorts on, so my tattoos depicting Pac-Man and Grundle are in full force and I'm sporting a t-shirt with Pac-Man on it deeming me an "Original Gamester". I think it's fairly obvious to anybody around that I can both honk the honk AND tonk the tonk.

Counter guy rings up Final Fantasy, no biggie. Then he scans Perfect Dark, pauses to flip the game over and then says, "I have to advise you that this game is rated M for Mature and contains blood, violence and language."

I chuckle to myself because A) he has just "advised" me that my game is violent, as if I give a damn and B) that it contains language. Doesn't EVERYTHING contain language? Without language, how would I know the title of the game. Whatever, I let the comment slide by without comment.

"Can I see some ID?"

I've always heard the term "spontaneous laughter", but never put much stock into what it meant. But at that moment I lived it. I exploded a laugh right into that poor guy's face.

"Seriously?" I asked, before chuckling a bit more and handing over my wallet.

I'm not old, far from it. But I certainly could never be confused for a teenager. The gray is starting to set into my beard and temples and the years are slowly beginning to take their toll. I could pass for mid 20's, maybe, but I'm sure as hell NOT a teenager.

What made me most incredulous was the fact that I was buying a video game. This wasn't a deadly weapon. No harm will come from me playing this game. I've been carded for cigarettes and alcohol in the past, but at least with those you can argue that they have deleterious effects on your health and well being. I have no problem with them being restricted.

But games? Really?

I played a little bit of Perfect Dark over the weekend. It is not even on the same level as many R rated movies that I've seen. You can head down to the theater right now and catch The Dark Knight, a movie that is the second highest grossing film in history, and it could easily be argued that it is far darker, disturbing and more violent than anything thus far displayed by this game.

Does anybody really believe that we're "protecting" anything by restricting this kind of stuff? Is it really necessary to ask for identification from people who are obviously of age? What next, will they have to take my name down and put it in a government database as a possible future "person of interest" just because I happened to have purchased a game or two in my day?

The overbearing "concern" of the American populous is beginning to wear thin on me. Must we be so afraid of everything we do that we have to regulate it and hide in terror from it?

As another example, a few months back I had a leak in one of my tires. I took a look at it and realized that it was due to the rather sizable screw that was stuck in it. Being a man who is not afraid of doing things himself, I went to purchase a tire repair kit so that I could make Markoni fix my tire.

I stopped by Wal-Mart and grabbed a tire plug and a small can of rubber cement designed for tires. I went to the self scan lane (as always. The fewer people I have to deal with, the happier I am.) and rang my items up. Almost immediately a little light went off and one of Wal-Mart's finest, highly educated personnel came over to inspect me.

Turns out I could get high off the cement. It contained heptane.

Never mind the fact that I wouldn't be caught dead "huffing" any chemicals. The point is that A) why should I have to be harassed over something so insignificant and B) what business is it of Wal-Mart's if I want to huff that stuff? I fail to see how my decisions on what to do with legally purchased items has any bearing on Wal-Mart's business.

Who cares what I buy? What does it matter what I'll do with it?

Does purchasing rubber cement mean I have a 30% chance of getting high? And if so, SO WHAT?

Does buying a video game mean I have a 30% chance of killing people? Go read statistics. All answers point to no.

Yeah, I know, I got all rambly and discombobulated, and I apologize to anybody attempting to keep up with my constant whinery. I'm just sickened by the nanny state we're becoming.

As a kid I regularly went to see R movies at the theater. My DVD collection contains a large number of extremely violent and exploitative films. I play tons of violent video games.

And you know what? I'm as timid as a church mouse.

Violent media didn't make myself or any of my friends into killers.