Metalli...WHAT?!?!?!?

Posted by E

Friday, August 22, 2008

Please note that the following story is a tale of fiction, meticulously researched by myself to simulate exactly what would happen in a scenario such as this. I, for one, certainly do not condone the copying of copyrighted material and want no part in any shenanigans that might prevent Lars Ulrich from purchasing a third solid gold rocket car.


Let's be frank here, for a minute. I, like most of those who work with me here at my job, am a child of the 80's. I remember a time when Jams ruled supreme and the bigger the hair, the bigger the man. But for many males who grew up in that particular window, one thing stands above all others: the complete and total metal domination of Metallica.

Granted, Metallica have had their share of tough times over the years. In the space of their 25 year career, they have managed to go from one of the edgiest, most influential hard rock/metal bands to being the laughing stock of the internet, mocked at every conceivable opportunity. (Napster...BAD!!!!)

One can't entirely blame them for their musical output of the last decade. Metallica found the opportunity to swim in pools of cash, having earned that through years of touring and hard work. Good on them, they earned it. The ire they find directed at them of late is due to their actions in the early 2000's with regards to the Napster fiasco. Many longtime fans began to think that Metallica cared more about the money than the music.

They attempted to recapture some of their former glory with 2003's St. Anger, an album that sounded like it was recorded in my mother's basements with a five piece jug band and then mixed on a P-233 laptop with Windows Sound Recorder. Needless to say, they did not manage to convert the fans they had lost, nor did they gather many new ones. To many, the Metallica juggernaut had ground to a halt.

Because of all of this, the fans have had a great deal of trepidation when discussing Metallica's next album, the curiously titled "Death Magnetic", slated for release on September 12, 2008. Expectations are high and anticipation is at a near boiling point to see what Metallica will do next. For many people, it's the final make or break. This is their last chance to win back the fans they have disenfranchised over the years.

And so it was with great excitement that I dove into the mp3's provided to me of Metallica's latest accomplishment. Where they had been downloaded from, I did not know, and at the same time I truly did not care. All that mattered was that new Metallica was sitting there, available for instant listening.

The folder contained a handful of songs and a couple of jpegs. I couldn't help but notice that the jpeg for the cover did not match the cover I had seen so many times online. Whereas the true album has a coffin surrounded by iron filaments arranged as if dispersed by a magnetic field, this cover was a simple black affair with the words "Death Magnetic" surrounded by the all-too familiar Metallica logo of old. Still, I couldn't help but be excited as I played the first song over my computer and heard a true return to form for the band.

Everything felt like old school Metallica. James' voice had re-assumed the higher pitch of the Kill 'Em All and Ride the Lightning eras. The songs had a distinct Master of Puppets flavor, while the time signature changes and progressive beats felt very similar to ...And Justice For All. Robert Trujillo's influence could be strongly felt once the first solo kicked in, sounded very akin to Lights, Camera, Revolution era Suicidal Tendencies.

As you may gather from the previous paragraph, I was impressed and my office mates came by to weigh in with their opinions. We all agreed that Metallica had returned to form. It was evident that Rick Rubin had really helped the band find the right headspace, to center themselves on their youthful energy, bringing forth the raw power of days gone by.

But as good as it was, something still didn't feel quite right. It felt like Metallica, it sounded like Metallica, and it was way better than anything we'd heard from Metallica in years, but there was some unnamable thing that just wasn't settling with me.

The day wore on and before long one people started heading home. As he made his way to the door one of my mates said that he would crank that cd in his car and give it a proper listening. He'd let me know what he thought as it went by. He hadn't been gone 20 minutes before the first message arrived.

"Dude... song six...is that god rock?"

God rock? More like godLY rock, I figured, and continued discussing with great excitement the prospects of my future listening party in the car.

And still, something nagged at the back of my brain, some tiny little voice continually questioning how James could have changed his voice like that or how Trujillo could exert so much influence in such a short amount of time. How could a band so resigned to mediocrity kick this much ass out of the blue?

Shortly thereafter I received an email, asking if I had heard the new Metallica song they were playing on the radio.

"Well, I just happen to have the whole darn thing", I replied smugly. "Which song are they playing?"

And the answer that came back was quizzical.

The Day That Never Comes

Interesting. I'm looking over my songlist and nothing even remotely close to that is listed. How very odd. Maybe these were the original titles, or maybe fake tracks sent to confuse us. And then the second text message arrived.

"Dude...The last song is totally about Jesus. wtf?!?"

Okay, something isn't adding up in a major way now. Terrified that we may gotten our hands on something untoward, I begain scanning the internet, searching for any clue as to the reality of our songs. And the answer was found in a forum.

This was no Metallica album. This was a Christian rock album by a band called Eternal Decision.

I yelled out to everybody, "It's a fake! It's a Christian album!"

Squeals of terror ripped through the office as everybody pushed as far away from their desks as they could. Nobody breathed. Nobody dared touch any of the burned copies. I made off to get some paper towels so that I could pick up any copies that remained and put them in the trash.

Bastards. Complete bastards.

Who would perpetrate such a heinous crime? Who would DARE replace Metallica with a Christian band? I felt dirty inside for even having heard it.

And then I heard Metallica's single on the radio.

It makes me ill to say this, but the Jesus stuff was a little bit better.

They were a little bit more Metallica than Metallica.