Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The answer to that question will forever be "NO! Fuck you!" when asked. Not familiar with the Banana show? Allow me to explain.
Years ago, my job sent me and a coworker (who also happened to be my friend since age 13) to Holland for training. I had been to Holland many times, but not with a friend, so this trip was extra cool.
We put in our 8 hour days at the office, during the week, and at night had dinners with our Dutch colleagues. Good times, but overall pretty tame. There was another guy there who was from our UK office that was around our age and was staying in the same hotel as we were. Since the trip was 2 weeks, we had the entire weekend to go to Amsterdam.
Of course we had a lot of fun.. We went window shopping in the Red light district, we partook in some of the local customs (BY THAT I MEAN WE SMOKED POT), and saw all of the sights. The typical Amsterdam experience.
We kept hearing people talk about the live sex shows, and the guy that was with us from the UK said that he had been, and that we had to go see one. He knew of one that was "really good", and said that they did a banana show. Ok, whatever.. It's like a Dutch strip club, right?
Fucking WRONG.
We crowded in to this place with 100 other guys and sat down on the wooden benches. It was the seediest place I had ever seen. I was in the middle of a crowd of just the grossest, molestiest, stinkiest people I had seen. There is a dank musty smell in the air, and everything looks dirty. This aint gonna be fun.
The curtians open, there is a man and a woman there having sex. I have never seen sexual intercourse between a man and woman be less sexual. We might as well have been watching someone repeatedly insert a hot dog in to a doughnut. Looking around, there are these creepy dudes in the audience just fucking loving this. Ugh.
They would close the curtain, and the next act would be there when they re-opened. There were a multitude of objects inserted in to vaginas, and some more piston-pumping robot sex acts. And frankly, it was getting a bit boring.
Then it was time for the big finale - The Banana Show! Woo hoo! This is gonna be good times! Everyone likes bananas, right??
So they have a naked dominatrix come out with 2 people in gorilla costumes. They are jumping around the room, and pulling people on stage. If there is one thing I hate in life, it's being pulled on stage against my will. We were right up front, and I was in the aisle. FUCK. Oh, and the British guy is telling us to get up, and pointing at us!! The whole time assuring us that it's worth it, and totally fun. "They don't do anything fucked up to you" he says.
I can feel the adrenaline pumping as one of the gorillas comes right over to me. The fight or flight is kicking in. I will fight this fucking gorilla before I end up on stage at a live sex show. Luckily the gorilla grabs some drunk guy right next to us.. While it would have made this story better if one of us had gone up there, that gorilla passing me over was the best thing that ever happened to me.
So they put the 3 poor guys up on the stage with the naked dominatrix walking around them, and the gorillas jumping around. The naked woman tells them to open their mouths, and one by one lifts their shirts up and puts them in their mouth. She makes them bite down on their shirts, and instructs them to not let go. She then starts undoing their pants, and takes their down to their ankles. These poor guys are standing in front of 100 other nasty guys laughing at them in their underwear. And one of them has a wet stain.
Me and my buddy simulataneously turn to the British guy and say "Fuck you dude!!", and he is laughing his ass off. So these guys have been humiliated enough, and they are going to let them sit down, right?
Wrong.
The dominatrix, then goes and pulls down their underwear to their ankles!! WHAT THE FUCK!?! What kind of culture pulls people on stage, and forces them to get naked???? I am ready to kill the Brit now, who is rolling with laughter. The monkeys are messing with them, and the dominatrix is making fun of their tiny penises. One of the dudes is sporting a cock ring for some reason. Not sure why I felt the need to mention that.
The dominatrix then lays on the ground, inserts the banana in to her vagina, and instructs one of the dudes to eat the banana. So this guy complies, gets down on all fours, and starts to eat the banana. With his naked ass up in the air.
OK, show's over, right? Nope this is where the giant punchline finally hits! As the guys is on all fours eating the banana, one of the monkeys jumps behind the dude, and FUCKS HIM IN THE ASS WITH A BANANA!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What is wrong with these people????
ROFL!!! Unwilling assrape is SO funny!
Forced public nudity, humiliation, and ass-rape by fruit!!! Wakkity Schmakity dooooo..
But then we found out that it was chicks in the Gorilla costume. So it's all good.
Years ago, my job sent me and a coworker (who also happened to be my friend since age 13) to Holland for training. I had been to Holland many times, but not with a friend, so this trip was extra cool.
We put in our 8 hour days at the office, during the week, and at night had dinners with our Dutch colleagues. Good times, but overall pretty tame. There was another guy there who was from our UK office that was around our age and was staying in the same hotel as we were. Since the trip was 2 weeks, we had the entire weekend to go to Amsterdam.
Of course we had a lot of fun.. We went window shopping in the Red light district, we partook in some of the local customs (BY THAT I MEAN WE SMOKED POT), and saw all of the sights. The typical Amsterdam experience.
We kept hearing people talk about the live sex shows, and the guy that was with us from the UK said that he had been, and that we had to go see one. He knew of one that was "really good", and said that they did a banana show. Ok, whatever.. It's like a Dutch strip club, right?
Fucking WRONG.
We crowded in to this place with 100 other guys and sat down on the wooden benches. It was the seediest place I had ever seen. I was in the middle of a crowd of just the grossest, molestiest, stinkiest people I had seen. There is a dank musty smell in the air, and everything looks dirty. This aint gonna be fun.
The curtians open, there is a man and a woman there having sex. I have never seen sexual intercourse between a man and woman be less sexual. We might as well have been watching someone repeatedly insert a hot dog in to a doughnut. Looking around, there are these creepy dudes in the audience just fucking loving this. Ugh.
They would close the curtain, and the next act would be there when they re-opened. There were a multitude of objects inserted in to vaginas, and some more piston-pumping robot sex acts. And frankly, it was getting a bit boring.
Then it was time for the big finale - The Banana Show! Woo hoo! This is gonna be good times! Everyone likes bananas, right??
So they have a naked dominatrix come out with 2 people in gorilla costumes. They are jumping around the room, and pulling people on stage. If there is one thing I hate in life, it's being pulled on stage against my will. We were right up front, and I was in the aisle. FUCK. Oh, and the British guy is telling us to get up, and pointing at us!! The whole time assuring us that it's worth it, and totally fun. "They don't do anything fucked up to you" he says.
I can feel the adrenaline pumping as one of the gorillas comes right over to me. The fight or flight is kicking in. I will fight this fucking gorilla before I end up on stage at a live sex show. Luckily the gorilla grabs some drunk guy right next to us.. While it would have made this story better if one of us had gone up there, that gorilla passing me over was the best thing that ever happened to me.
So they put the 3 poor guys up on the stage with the naked dominatrix walking around them, and the gorillas jumping around. The naked woman tells them to open their mouths, and one by one lifts their shirts up and puts them in their mouth. She makes them bite down on their shirts, and instructs them to not let go. She then starts undoing their pants, and takes their down to their ankles. These poor guys are standing in front of 100 other nasty guys laughing at them in their underwear. And one of them has a wet stain.
Me and my buddy simulataneously turn to the British guy and say "Fuck you dude!!", and he is laughing his ass off. So these guys have been humiliated enough, and they are going to let them sit down, right?
Wrong.
The dominatrix, then goes and pulls down their underwear to their ankles!! WHAT THE FUCK!?! What kind of culture pulls people on stage, and forces them to get naked???? I am ready to kill the Brit now, who is rolling with laughter. The monkeys are messing with them, and the dominatrix is making fun of their tiny penises. One of the dudes is sporting a cock ring for some reason. Not sure why I felt the need to mention that.
The dominatrix then lays on the ground, inserts the banana in to her vagina, and instructs one of the dudes to eat the banana. So this guy complies, gets down on all fours, and starts to eat the banana. With his naked ass up in the air.
OK, show's over, right? Nope this is where the giant punchline finally hits! As the guys is on all fours eating the banana, one of the monkeys jumps behind the dude, and FUCKS HIM IN THE ASS WITH A BANANA!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!? What is wrong with these people????
ROFL!!! Unwilling assrape is SO funny!
Forced public nudity, humiliation, and ass-rape by fruit!!! Wakkity Schmakity dooooo..
But then we found out that it was chicks in the Gorilla costume. So it's all good.
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7 comments:
The sight of _ ____ cock ring, ON a cock, __ ______, is something that tends to be burned in to memory - _______ I like it __ ___.
That's how I read your statement.
I'm sorry. E's last reply was the goddamn funniest thing I've ever read in my life.
OK, don't tell E, but you're quickly becoming my favorite writer. You are HYSTERICAL! I think I've read this piece at least half a dozen times. Your camping trilogy was awesome as well. Keep posting these humiliating tales. I'm just sad that you weren't a chosen one in the end. Let's just hope that all these guys were first time visitors and not repeat customers. Ugh! Keep up the good work! :)
Thank you!! It is SO nice to hear that someone is actually reading this stuff!
I am very new to this.. I was just telling E the other day what a lonely feeling it is. You post something that you think is good, and never hear anything about it. You kinda wonder at times if you are only entertaining yourself.
Thanks again for the nice comment!
Actually, your God blog was fabulous as well. I've been surprised that no one has commented on it either supporting or insulting you. It was obvious E was a big influence on dragging you over to the dark side. I'm with you both there. ;)
You guessed right - He was 50% of the "Very intelligent people" that I referred to. I am forever grateful to him for that.
Hey I found your God knows how old, blog while i was searching about a banana show in Bangkok which is way different than your experience to suggest to a friend.I read it without a blink of an eye coz you wrote it so beautifully and of course it is hilarious.
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