Too Many Words

Posted by E

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

If there's one thing I enjoy in life, it's a challenge. I am the type that enjoys crooning along to a nice vocalization. I'm not a great singer, mind you, but the verbal rhythms and patterns inherent in music attract my attention, and I do my best to emulate.

Because of my interest in patterns and cadence, I find myself frequently looking for a song to challenge my memorization and verbalization skills. Whether it be learning epic songs with almost non-stop singing or keeping up with the frantic pace of early Suicidal Tendencies, I love to challenge my brain to learn, memorize and eventually turn off while I recite these passages verbatim.

I'm currently working on one such part and let me tell you, it's a doozy.

I have been a major fan of Weird Al Yankovic since I first set my grubby little hands on his first record. For our young readers, records were big vinyl discs that looked a lot like laserdiscs and contained music. (Audiophiles like to smugly comment that they sound better than anything.) For our EVEN YOUNGER fans, laserdiscs were big shiny discs that looked a lot like CD's but held movies. (Idiots like to claim they were better than DVD's.) For our YOUNGEST fans, music actually used to come on physical media. Imagine that.

Through his long career, Al has made a habit of creating songs that would twist the human brain in any number of directions all at once. For the fans, this made for amusing fare, as we attempted to stuff into our brains longer and more complicated pieces, all for the sake of gaining another inch on our e-peens.

In 1989 Al released the soundtrack to UHF, which contained a song called, "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota". tBBoTiM, as it's known to nobody, was a 6:50 magnum opus done in the storytelling style of Harry Chapin and Gordon Lightfoot. It is 7 minutes of almost continuous singing with no real chorus. It's not necessarily a difficult song to learn, but it's easy to mess up when you first start out.

1999 saw the release of Running With Scissors, which contained Al's longest song to date, Albuquerque, a whopping 11:25 song with a non-stop narrative and no real structure. This song has long been a fan favorite to memorize, as the lack of cohesion makes for difficult learning. The chorus consists of nothing but the words "In Albuquerque".

I have dealt with these songs in the past, but a recent decision on my part has brought Al back into the fray in an attempt to burn out my few remaining brain cells with the latest feat of memorizational and vocal skills.

Hardware Store.

The song itself is jaunty and fast paced with an odd rhythmic cadence that does not allow for comfort. Secondary voices haunt the backing track spouting single words in a diabolical attempt to confuse the tongues of those who may be attempting to sing along.

But the true evil of Hardware Store isn't in the main body of the song. No, the main structure can be worked out in fairly short order, provided you can think fast enough to recall the words and timing. The insidious part of Hardware Store is a 30 second interlude about two thirds of the way through.

29.86 seconds. That's how long this section is. 29.86 seconds in which he manages to throw 127 words at you, consisting of 257 syllables. Mull that over in your head for a second. To learn and recite this properly you have to vocalize 257 separate syllables in 29.86 seconds.

That's a word every .24 seconds. Even worse, that's a syllable every .12 seconds.

Here's what you have to say in 29.86 seconds:

They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

Attempting to sing this song makes one sound like an advertisement for Micro Machines.

I've been struggling with it. I can keep up with 90% of it. The line that begins with "Hooks and tackle" is my biggest stumbling point. My tongue does not like saying, "tackle, grout and spackle". It just throws up a block. (Similary, I can not say "Giggity", like Quagmire.)

I have spent a lot of time working with this song. Sometimes I can get through, most times I block out at "hooks and tackle" and get back in at "metal roofing". The thrill lies in the learning. I may not be able to do it yet, but once I have it down, it will be an impressive feat.