Monday, January 7, 2008
I would like to posit to you that He-Man, of Masters of the Universe fame, is not only the single gayest man in the history of mankind, but that he and his merry band are actually some form of gay singularity. A mass of gay so incredibly dense that all things heterosexual are sucked towards it, never to escape without at least a pair of assless chaps and a cute biker cap.
Now, before I get started, let me give the standard line that you expect to hear whenever somebody might trudge somewhat controversial ground. "I don't hate gay people, the gay lifestyle or anything to do with gays." That's the kind of shit that I'd say if I really cared all that much. But come on people, if you can't take a joke, I recommend you just stop reading now. (Seriously, though, put out the torches. I really have nothing against gays.)
To give you an idea of how amazingly gay the entire concept of He-Man is, check out the entry for him on Wikipedia. This is how the fans feel he is best desribed to the world:
"Eternia is ruled by King Randor and Queen Marlena. Their son is Prince Adam, a cowardly blond muscleman dressed in a Cote d'Azur chemise. However, Prince Adam possesses a magic sword, and when he holds it aloft and says the magic words "By the power of Grayskull... I HAVE THE POWER!" he is transformed into He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. He-Man is a brave blond muscleman in a baldric with a Maltese cross and loincloth."
A Cote d'Azur chemise?!?! We haven't even spent 10 seconds with "Adam" and it's already completely apparent that he has WAY TOO STRONG of a grasp on popular clothing trends in Eternia. There is more emphasis placed on his STYLE in his introduction than there is on, well, who the fuck he is!
So Adam possesses a magic sword which, when held erect, gives him the inner strength to come to terms with his true identity, that of He-Man, a muscle bound hero in an even sparser outfit than Adam. One could almost say that Adam is frightened and timid because he is afraid to share with the world his terrible secret. His terrible, masculine chiseled secret. His loincloth wearing, emancipated secret.
Once stripped of 90% of his clothing, he is surrounded by a cadre of likewise mostly naked and muscular men, many of whom have rather suggestive names or features. Let's look at a few, shall we?
First we have Man-at-Arms, mentor to both the hapless Adam and the svelte and sexy He-Man. Man-at-Arms is replete with both a phallus shaped helmet and a nice little pushbroom moustache. He carries a large sceptre-like weapon, and being a courtesan of the queen's court, no doubt offers to let He-Man "touch the royal sceptre" whenever possible. As unlikely as it seems, Man-at-Arms is not even his real name, that would be Duncan. As in "Duncan" his head in He-Man's loincloth, if you catch my drift. (Not to mention that the name Man-at-Arms is evocative of an octopus at a boner buffet.)
Mekaneck sports the ability to lengthen his neck to nearly 3-4 times it's normal length. Of course, this extended neck is covered in a thick "veiny" mechanical coating, no doubt to keep it both firm and supple. Interestingly enough, Mekaneck ALSO carries a club as a weapon, thereby bringing out the fact that He-Man and his ilk like to "beat off" their enemies whenever possible.
Third is Ram-Man. That's all I'm going to say about Ram-Man.
Ram-Man.
But even the gayest man in the universe needs some form of arch nemesis to get into sweaty tussels with, and in the world of Eternia that void is filled by none other than Skeletor.
Skeletor, in my opinion, is a tragic character. Skeletor is unable to come to grips with who he is as a person. Whereas Adam is timid until able to raise high his steely tool to bring forth the inner strength and comfort with his identity, Skeletor lacks this. Skeletor feels naked and vulnerable to the world, as he refuses to admit what everybody on Eternia knows, namely that he feels he's lacking a certain "bone" in his body.
This knowledge makes Skeletor seethe with an immutable internal rage. It tears him up that everyone knows his true secret, but as he is unable to come to grips with it, he lashes out at those living the lifestyle that he so desperately covets. Skeletor desires nothing more than to get his hands wrapped around the thick shaft of He-Man's weapon so that he too can burst forth with the power and the complete knowledge of the "secrets of Castle Grayskull".
But Skeletor's inability to come to terms with his own homosexual tendencies causes him to alienate himself from the rigidly sculptured paragons of human beauty that He-Man associates with. Instead, Skeletor is surrounded by monsters like Beast-Man, a warm, hair covered man with a slightly musky scent and a long whip for dishing out the punishment on those that have been naughty.
Also of note is Trap-Jaw, a monstrous man with a steel bear trap for a jaw, capable of ripping and tearing the fleshier parts of a man right off his body like a spurned mother in a bad Wes Craven film. I'm assuming his existence ties in with Skeletor's inner torment. If HE can't have pleasure NO ONE CAN!!!! MWA HA HA HA!!!!!
He-Man and Skeletor seem to exist in a yin-yang styled universe. For every good guy, there is a bad guy with an equal yet different power.
For instance, Moss Man carries with him the strong scent of pine, reminiscent of the fresh, clean aroma one could find in a well-kempt men's restroom. His evil counterpart was Stinkor, no doubt an angry manifestation of Skeletor's psyche wherein he insults all that Moss Man stands for by representing the base odor of that which Skeletor desires. Man ass. Hot, hot man ass.
Skeletor's endless quest to touch the mighty weapon of power that He-Man wields is charted over the course of episodes such as: "Evilseed", "A Friend in Need" and "Like Father, Like Daughter".
Whether I have convinced you or not, I cannot say and will likely never know. It just seems to me that it's rather obvious. If you still can't see my point, let me end with one last argument:
RAM-MAN
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