Life's Lessons

Posted by E

Friday, April 4, 2008

We've all heard it said in the past that the best way to learn things is the hard way; that pain and misery are the best teachers we have. I think it goes without saying that many of us have had to learn a good deal of life's lessons this way and in the spirit of both A) offering sage advice to our younger readers and B) getting a post up for the sake of keeping Bonez updated, I would like to offer up some of the things that I have learned over the years that could prove useful to our readers.

1) Do not draw on cars with dry erase markers. Now, you're probably of the same mindset that my friend and I were when undertaking this venture; namely that dry erase markers ERASE, and therefore one can safely draw on any surface and enjoy the screams of terror of those whose things are being destroyed. In retrospect, bad idea. It might have even been incumbent on us to draw a test phallus on one small section of the car before covering the entire thing in various representations of male genitalia. For the record, not only does dry erase NOT wipe off of cars, it also does not happen to wash off. Ever. If you ever come across an 80's model gray Oldsmobile that is covered trunk to hood in penises, great and small, you can smile quietly to yourself knowing that somebody thought that was hilarious to do...20 years ago.

2) Do not use a lighter to light a gas grill. Now, this is one of the few times in my life that just prior to an accident I said, "Hey, I don't think this is a good idea". It is subsequently also one of the few times that I was right. No matches were available, and since I was a smoker at the time and always had a lighter handy, reaching in there and "sparking her up" seemed like a grand idea. Or not. I lost most of the hair on my right arm that night. 3 years later (Yes, ONLY 3 years ago) and I still do not grow hair on a large area of my arm. Oh well, at least the burgers were tasty.

3) Do not attempt a flying Jackie Chan style kick at a door if you are not, in fact, Jackie Chan. I learned this one in my teenage years. The end result was my foot slipping, throwing my arms out to break my fall and in turn breaking one of my arms with my fall. Yes, you read that right, I broke my arm kicking a door. To make matters worse I had to leave where I was to go do lights for a play. In order to get to that play I had to ride my moped, which I managed to do by bracing it with my feet, revving the throttle with my left hand and then dropping my rapidly swelling and useless hand onto it. I managed to perform lights for the ENTIRE play (Oliver, so you know) before heading off to the hospital to tend to my wounds. Broken bones hurt. They hurt even worse when you just let them dangle and do little, if nothing to repair them for a few hours.

4) If you are a teenager, never trust a group of your friends who promise you won't get hurt. Chances are you will. If you're one of that group of friends, never stop egging your friend on. Their pain is pure hilarity.

5) Yes, the little metal plate they put on your table at a Greek restaurant prior to bringing out the plate of meat is heated. It is not just a good conductor of heat for when the meat arrives. If you don't believe me, I recommend that you test this by poking it with a finger, not with your entire palm. Ouch.

6) Burying your feet in snow does not actually keep them warm. In fact, snow is frigidly cold.

7) Yes, you can draw blood with Nerf.

So there you have it, a handful of things to avoid in life, or at least the answers to a few questions that you never asked.