The One That Goes Too Far?

Posted by E

Friday, April 25, 2008

Sometimes you're just hit with an idea out of the blue and it's all you can do to contain it in your head long enough to crack it open and let it spill out onto the paper (real or digital). This doesn't necessarily ensure quality, it simply means that inspiration hit and you had something to say. Such was the case for me last night. During a rather innocuous conversation with a friend, I was suddenly struck with the idea of writing a "Letters to Penthouse Forum" style piece that was violent in nature. A little satire, if you please.

I mulled it over on my drive home and played out the scene in my mind. I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do with it and how far I intended to go. I'm not going to lie, the piece was intended to be a tad shocking, though it was my plan from the get-go to contain the language enough that it was never overly salacious. The red, red kroovy does NOT flow with any regularity in the piece, though the subject matter would imply otherwise.

I wrote the piece and as intended it gave me a slight chuckle upon my first read. But I knew immediately that it might push the boundaries of what's considered acceptable around here a bit. Again, it's not that the language is overly descriptive or that I went too far with the piece, it's just that it is a morbid little chunk of black humor and those that don't get the joke might find themselves offended by it.

Not wanting to stir up unnecessary controversy, I submitted the piece to Mr. Bonez with a simple query. Is this taking it too far? Is this beyond the fold of what we will allow at Bonez?

I know that if it came down to it, I have other avenues or forums in which I can deposit these little brain leavings of mine, but the simple fact is that I dig it here and the majority of my work debuts right here on the Bonez front page.

Bonez offered some suggestions on what could be done to alter the piece in order to make it more family friendly, but after quiet reflection the fact of the matter is that I don't really wish to change it.

It is what it is, and it's a reflection of where my mind was at last night. Is it dark? Yeah, sure. Is it offensive? Well, that's the rub, isn't it?

Boundaries and taste are a subjective beast. I can assure you that my boundaries do not jive with those of the majority of readers here. It's a simple truth I've had to adapt to most of my life. And while you may be unable to upset me with what most people find offensive, I do try to keep in mind what "most people's" boundaries are.

I re-read my work. I thought it over, and I came to the simple conclusion that my piece is what it is. I have no desire to alter it, nor do I have any desire to battle for it.

It seemed to me that the easiest thing to do would be to provide it here on Bonez, but in such a way that Joe Q. Public won't accidentally read the horrific information contained within.

So, if you have any desire to read my quick little morbid tale, please highlight the blank area below and you shall be able to. If you wish to skip it, by all means please do so. It's not as bad as you might think. And for that matter, not as GOOD either. :P

Choice. It's what's for dinner.




(Choice is no longer available. Welcome to Omni. We just throw it in your face around here.)




Dear Bonez Forum,

I never thought that this would happen to me! So there I was, all by my lonesome out in some forgotten patch of forest enjoying the brisk country air when out of the blue the most beautiful woman I've ever seen comes traipsing out of the woods. Finding myself both lonely and instantly smitten I called over and invited her to come hang out with me for a bit.

Let me tell you, we hit it off really quickly. She was a librarian out in the woods to "energize her spirit", if you catch my drift. We sat and talked for what felt like hours. Finding myself unable to control my natural male urges I asked if she would be interested in coming home with me, and surprisingly enough she said yes!

After procuring a sufficiently thick branch, I dispatched her with a series of heavy blows, intending, of course, to crush her skull. And boy howdy, did I ever! With her still twitching but quickly dying body laid out before me, I set to work getting her carved up properly so that I could fit her in my duffel bag and head out.

I started with the head, and I'll tell you what, those things are HARD to get off! All I had on me was a somewhat dulled knife, so I went for a mixture of carving at the cartilage and twisting for the better part of fifteen minutes before getting annoyed, at which point I simply started hacking at the vertebrae, hoping to loosen it up. I finally managed to chip my way through one of the discs and was able to pull the rest apart, laying it off to the side.

Realizing that my current methods were going to slow me down, I chose a different approach for the arms. Placing one foot squarely on her ribs, I pulled upward on her wrist until I heard the POP of the ball dislocating from the socket. Once that was done, it was pretty simple to just cut the meat around that joint and pull the whole thing off.

I tried a similar trick for the legs, but they're a lot tougher, and pull as I might, I was unable to dislodge the hip joint. So instead, I stood on the upper part of the femur and pulled the rest of the leg towards me, as hard as I could. My arms were shaking by the time I finally heard the cracking snap of separating bone. After a few minutes of defleshing I was able to pull the legs away.

Knowing that weight would likely be an issue when lugging this cadaver home, I opted to remove the offal, knowing full well that organs retain a lot of excess fluid. By utilizing a deep lateral slash in the lower extremities I was able to allow the viscera to efflux with little effort, though of course I did have to disconnect a few of the wires.

Of course, now the big question was whether or not I could fit the entire corpse in my duffel bag. I managed to squeeze the torso in, and in a flash of inspiration it occurred to me to stuff the head inside the cavernous and newly emptied abdominal cavity. Once those were in place, it was simply a matter of bending the remaining limbs properly and zipping it all up tight.

I sure am glad that I had the forethought to line my duffel bag with tarp some time ago, or else the blood would have left a trail behind me. Wouldn't want to attract any animals!

The good news is we finally did make it back to my house, and what a time we had! I'm sure I'll never have such a chance encounter again, but it was fun while it lasted!