What Have You Done To His Eyes, You Maniacs?!?

Posted by E

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I went out and got myself a nice upgrade yesterday. Gone are the days of grainy, blurred images obscuring my objectives. Everything looks gorgeous now, with full anti-aliasing, anistropic filtering, bump mapping, and all sorts of amazing visual doo-dads leaping out at me. I have moved from the world of bland and muddy textures running in low resolution to the astounding clarity of full HD. What exactly was this upgrade? Did I invest in an 8800 GTX? Nope, already got one. ;) Was it a new monitor? Sorry, not even close. I finally went out and invested in a nice pair of glasses. And let me tell you, this world doesn't look anything like I've been imagining it all these years.

Sometimes we just have to face the facts and acknowledge certain things about ourselves. I finally came to grips in the last year with the fact that I am not a 7 foot tall ripped and muscular sex machine. In reality, I'm only 6'1". And although that ONE trait prevents me from being a paragon of human perfection, these features are only skin deep. (Except my toned and ripped abs. Those are muscle deep.)

But of the attributes that go beyond merely the physical, my eyesight is the one causing me the most distress of late. About a month ago I put out a moratorium on passengers in my car after dark. I felt I could no longer vouch for the safety of anybody in the vehicle beyond myself. If I go careening off the road and slide into a busload of handicapped children, I'm gonna be really embarassed if one of my friends is there to see it.

So, in the interest of NOT being made a fool of by the court system, I decided to go ahead and get my eyes checked. Much as I suspected, my eyesight was slightly less than perfect, in the same sense that Rhode Island is slightly smaller than Jupiter. So, after taking all of their fun tests and trying out a few frames, I settled on a pair that I liked and ordered away.

Yesterday I received the call that they were ready and I rushed from my office to pick them up. Well, rushed in the sense that I sat in 11 miles of traffic for an hour, as this IS Atlanta at Christmas time. After picking them up I headed outside to face life with halfway decent eyes for the first time in who knows how long.

And I have to admit, I giggled like a schoolgirl doing whip-its. I spent the next 20 minutes in traffic flipping my glasses up and down to compare life with and without them. The difference is quite astounding, really.

My favorite moment was noticing that a car in front of me had a 3 foot wide sign in their back windshield....but only if I had my magic glasses on. Without them, it was just a normal pane. With them, a white and blue sign said "BROOKLYN". And just like any other green blooded reptiloid, I took note of that location for "future reference".

If you have been reading all of this expecting some amazing insight or witty rejoinder, you're out of luck. I have no philosophical diatribes to launch into. I will not begin with the, "I never saw the inhumanity of man until I SAW humanity" type crap. The tale is fairly simple. I couldn't see. I got glasses. I can see now.

And yes, now that I can see, it will be WAY MORE FUN to slide into busloads of handicapped children. At petting zoos. Feeding the elderly. I'll take my camera, I swear.

As with everything I post around here, you've just been tricked into reading my verbal masturbation just long enough for me to grab your wallet. I'm heading for Mexico. Peace out, y'all.