I Am Anti-Semantic

Posted by E

Monday, October 6, 2008

If there is one thing in this world that I cannot stand, it would be semantics.

We all have to deal with them every day. Some jackass who thinks he's being clever by correcting your "mistake" when in fact you were right all along. It's something that's bugged the hell out of me for as far back as I can remember.

Who finds it necessary to be difficult just for the sake of it? Yeah, we all enjoy a good laugh now and then and sometimes arguing semantics can be fun, but doing it for no real reason does nothing but aggravate me and turn what should be a humdrum everyday conversation into an exercise wherein I'm doing my best not to tear somebody's throat out.

Let me give you an example:

I walked into a McDonald's shortly after the movie Supersize Me was released. Due to the bad publicity rained down upon their business, McDonald's opted to remove "Super Sizing" from their menu, instead substituting it with "Large Size".

No harm, no foul, right? I mean, they're just looking out for their best interests while still giving the porcine masses what they really want. (Greasy food and LOTS OF IT.)

In I walk, completely oblivious to this new direction the company is taking.

"I'd like a number four with no pickles or onions, super sized with a Coke," I say in my best monotone, as this is the exact same thing I've ordered from this restaurant for the last decade.

"Oh, we don't have super size anymore," the clerk says, "just large size."

Ahh...semantics.

Had I been the bloke behind the counter, I would have simply rung up the order as a large size and sent the customer on his merry way. Oh sure, I may have taken the time to point out our new "branding", but I would see no reason to interject any needless arguments into the conversation.

Dopey McAcneface apparently saw things differently than I did.

"You don't have super size anymore?"
"Right."
"But you do have a larger size available still?"
"Right."
"Wouldn't that basically mean that the larger size IS the super size?"
"Yeah."

I defy you to look at that exchange and side with the person behind the counter. Seriously, was it worth the effort to block the arrival of my order by 30 seconds? Nowadays whenever I go to a fast food restaurant I order "Giganto-Size, Enormo-Size or even Uber-Size". You'd be amazed how many times I end up with regular size.

The most egregious example of this comes from further back in time. Somewhere in the early to mid 1990's I called up Domino's to order a pizza for my girlfriend and I. Times were lean and we didn't have a whole lot of cash, so I opted for a more meager portion.

"I'd like to order a small pepperoni pizza, please."
"We don't have small pizzas."

"You don't?"
"No sir, we have medium, large and extra large."

I'd love to say that I took the high road, rolled my eyes and opted for the medium. Instead I launched into a scathing tirade about the inanity of the previous statement.

A) I said SMALL, which would obviously indicate the smallest pizza you sell.
B) How in the hell is the smallest pizza a medium? Wouldn't medium indicate that there was some sort of upper and lower measurement, ie the midpoint between the small and the large?
C) Did you REALLY just tell me that you didn't have a small pizza and then list off three sizes, from smallest to largest?

Ugh.

No doubt I enjoyed a pizza covered with all sorts of saliva and floor sweepings, but at least I made a point. I just can't stand people being needlessly nitpicky.