Parent's Corner

Posted by E

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Howdy folks. Long time no see.

If you've been coming here recently (and honestly, I SEVERELY doubt you have), you'll likely have noticed that things rather abruptly came to a halt here a month or so ago. Markoni popped in to give you the jist of it last week.

I have reproduced.

A horrifying prospect, I agree, not just from my own "HOLY HELL, I'M A DAD" perspective, but a fear also for the future of humanity. I'm not saying that my child was born of a jackal with cloven hooves and a 666 birthmark, but I'm not not saying it either...

Of course, the ultimate question is, "What will this mean for Omni?" Will I change the format to a more family friendly style, perhaps offering parenting advice and whimsical stories of my adorable child shitting her pants?

Let me put everybody's fears to rest right now. It's going to happen.

That's right, Omni will soon be nothing more than an amalgamation of humorous tales of child-rearing, replete with advisory tips and recipes for raising healthy and happy children. I'm hoping to get some guest columnists as well. (I wonder if Dr. Phil is available.)

Please note that we will not stay www.omniphobic.com forever and soon this will be nothing more than a redirect to www.happychildrenhappyhomes.com to reflect my newfound inner peace and contentment.

Granted, my time as a dad has been somewhat limited as of this juncture, but I still feel that it's only right that I indignantly and condescendingly tell you all how to live your lives better and how best to raise your children.

Any good parent will tell you that an underlying philosophy is beneficial when dealing with your child. A child craves consistency, and the only way you as a parent will be able to truly reach and connect with them is by finding a parenting style that represents who you are as a person mixed with the discipline a child needs in order to become a productive and happy member of society.

My parenting style is summed up by the following three letters: V-C-M

That's right, with three simple letters I am able to build a methodology for teaching my child about the ways of the world while still asserting parental authority.

VCM, of course, stands for Violent, Continuous, Merciless, the cornerstone of my child raising foundation.

The key to proper VCM is to make certain that you never back down. For example, when the baby first crowned, I slipped off my belt and began whipping her repeatedly across the head, not slowing down until the soft cranial shell was exposed via the split skin.

Had I loosened up and not stayed true, the labor would have doubtless lasted several more hours. But again, because I was willing to Violently, Continuously, and Mercilessly beat my child, I was able to teach her an early lesson. Namely, no dawdling.

And the tough love didn't abate after the birthing itself. If she urinates in her diaper I will beat her senseless with whatever is on hand. If my arm starts getting tired, it's time to put on my kickin' boots. As of the time of this writing, my innocent little angel is 766 hours old. I estimate I have beat her no less than 500 of those hours, raising countless welts, spreading innumerable bruises, and necessitating no less than 27 return visits to the hospital. (Although, I believe they're getting suspicious about her proclivity for falling down the stairs.)

And don't get me wrong, beating your child isn't all about belts and boots; there's nothing wrong with the fists. After all, babies crave skin on skin contact, even if that skin is plummeting towards their face at 60 mph.

Well, that's it for this installment of Parent's Corner. Check back next time when I'll be discussing piercing a child's wrists and legs so that you can install clips to pin them to the wall at changing time.