They're ALL E's

Posted by E

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Edwin: Ahhhh, E, thank you so much for joining us for this meeting. I presume you know why we've called on you?

E: Well, I assume it has to do with the new candy that I've proposed.

Edwin: Right, right, "E&E's", I believe you call them?

E: Right.

Edwin: Well, specifically, we'd like to talk to you about some issues we've discovered with them.

E: Issues?

Edwin: Yes, there are two points of contention here. We'll deal with them in turn.

E: Alright.

Mortimer: Right, E, this is Mortimer. We're dealing with the first problem here, and I'm afraid it's a bit of a showstopper. We may have to completely shut down production on the candy until we can resolve this.

E: Okay, what exactly is the problem?

Mortimer: Well, first off, we're a bit confused by the printing.

E: The printing?

Edwin: He means the printing on the candy itself.

E: What about it?

Edwin: Well, the candy you proposed to us was intended to have a little E stamped on each and every one.

E: /pause/ Yes. And they do.

Edwin: We can definitely see something printed there, but we find it a tad nebulous.

E: Nebuolous? What do you mean?

Mortimer: If I may interject here, Edwin. E, first off, I'm looking at one of these candies right now and it has a W stamped on it.

E: A W? Like, the letter W?

Mortimer: Precisely.

E: That's not a W, that's an E. You've got the candy turned.

Mortimer: No, no. This is definitely a W. I'm looking at it right now.

E: I think you'll find that's an E. Turn the candy 90 degrees to the right.

Mortimer: Do what?

E: Turn it nin...

Edwin: I don't think our customers are going to want to turn the candies, E. Surely you can see the problem here.

E: Honestly, I don't. Just turn the candy. It's an E, you're just holding it wrong.

Edwin: Are you telling us that we're to blame, here?

E: This isn't about blame. It's very simple. If you turn an E 90 degrees to the left, it becomes a W.

Winston: E, this is Winston, I'm the manager of confectionary production here at Harshly's, and I must say I don't appreciate the tone you're taking here.

E: Tone? Excuse me?

Winston: The way I see it, you've provided us with a defective product. It is incumbent on you to fix this.

E: There's nothing to fix! It's not broken!

Winston: Then why am I looking at a W?

E: It's NOT a W! It's an E. Turn the candy to the right.

Winston: /pause/ Oh, I see.
/to others/ If you turn it to the right, it becomes an E.

Mortimer: But I'm not sure that addresses the base issue here.

E: What issue?

Mortimer: The fact that you promised us a candy emblazoned with E's, and we've obviously got some that are defective.

E: What's defective?

Edwin: Look here, E. This one is most definitely a W!

E: You need to turn yours as well.

Edwin: Excuse me?

E: Your candy. Turn it.

Edwin: /pause/ What do you mean turn it?

E: Turn it 90 degrees to the right.

Edwin: /pause/ Oh yes, I see.

E: See, it's really an E.

Mortimer: Uh oh, we have another problem.

E: What now?

Mortimer: This one's an M.

E: No, no. It's not an M. It's still an E. You've just turned it to far.

Winston: Now listen here! I do not appreciate you marching into my establishment and laying blame on my employees.

E: I'm not laying blame.

Winston: I think perhaps I should tell your superiors what game you're at, here.

E: What game?

Winston: You're attempting to pass off defective goods here!

E: They're NOT defective. Look, an E, an M, and a W are all the same letter, just turned differently.

Edwin: The same? Are you saying that Mortimer and I are the same person? After all, he starts with an M and I start with an E.

Mortimer: This is an outrage!

E: You're taking this the wrong way.

Winston: Then I believe it's incumbent on you to explain this properly.

E: /sighing/ Does everybody have paper and a pen in front of them?

/all murmur in agreement/

E: Okay, draw a small line going up and down on the paper.

Edwin: All the way up and down?

E: No, just a small line.

Mortimer: Is three inches sufficient?

E: Three inches is fine. Or smaller. It really doesn't matter.

Winston: WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO?!?

E: Draw a line. Up and down the page, just an inch or so.

E: Now that you've done that, draw three lines moving to the right from that line, at equal positions.

Edwin: Crossing the first line?

E: No, starting at the line. Just start at that line and then draw another line to the right.

Winston: This is all very confusing. I'm really not certain what you're driving at.

E: Right, this isn't getting us anywhere. Flip your paper over to the other side and let's try this again.

Mortimer: Does it matter if I flip it longways or shortways?

E: What? Just flip the paper.

Mortimer: Flip it how? This is very confusing.

E: Just turn to the other side. Where you haven't written yet.

/pause/

Winston: There's writing on the other side of my paper. This is very frustrating and I don't see...

E: Grab a new sheet. Please, just do this. It will make a lot more sense soon.

Winston: Okay, fine. I have a new sheet. You'd better start making sense soon.

E: Alright. I want everybody to write a capital E on their paper.

Edwin: A capital E? I didn't know we would be quizzed on geography. I really don't s...

E: Just write a big E. Like the first letter of a name. Not a little E.

/general murmur of understanding/

E: Okay, now take that paper and turn it to the left.

All: Ohhhh.

Mortimer: It's a W!

Winston: Good show! It's like an E, but now it's turned into another letter. This is delightful.

Edwin: Mine's not a W. I don't know what it is.

E: What's wrong with it?

Edwin: It looks like a line with three bars moving off to the left.

E: You've turned it too far.

Edwin: You TOLD me to turn it! If you can't give proper directions...

E: No, Edwin. I'm not faulting you. The paper's just been turned to far. If you turn it a little to the right.

Edwin: But you said to turn it to the left! I'm very confused.

E: It's not that hard, really.

Winston: E, we really appreciate the show you're giving us here, but we still haven't addressed the underlying issue.

E: WHAT ISSUE?

Winston: You've given us defective candies!

E: No, I haven't. Look, Winston, remember when you turned the paper with that E?

Winston: Yes.

E: What happened?

Winston: It became a W.

E: Right. So see, they're one and the same.

Mortimer: E, this is Mortimer again. Look, I appreciate what you're saying, but...

E: But?

Mortimer: But we here at Harshly's don't want to confuse our customers.

E: Confuse your customers?

Mortimer: What if one of our customers buys a bag of "E&E's" and gets a W?

Edwin: Or an M.

Winston: Or even worse, that confusing backwards symbol. That's not even a letter! What will people think?

E: I doubt they'll even notice, frankly.

Winston: NOT EVEN NOTICE?

Edwin: E, you must understand, our customers hold Harshly's to the highest level of scrutiny. They simply would not stand for this.

Mortimer: The scandal! Our customers expect better of us!

E: I think the average person would look at the W and realize that it's just an E that's been turned.

Winston: I really don't think our customers are looking for such a cerebral experience. They really just want a nice choccy.

E: I fail to see how it's a "cerebral experience".

Mortimer: Maybe we're just not making ourselves clear here. Our customers want to simply reach into the bag and grab a handful of E's without needing a Rosetta stone or a membership with Mensa to understand what's written there.

E: It's just an E!

Mortimer: Mine was a W!

E: I've already explained this. It's not a W. It's an E that's been turned.

Winston: So you keep claiming, yet any number of letters and symbols seem to be making their way out of this bag.

E: I can't make this any clearer. They're ALL E's. Some of them get turned around in the bag. People will look at this and realize it without a thought. Besides, it's really the candy they're after, not the E.

Edwin: Well, this brings us to the second thing we needed to discuss.

E: Oh?

Edwin: Yes, we have a problem with the colors.

E: What of them?

Edwin: Well, there's too many.

E: Too many?

Mortimer: I think what Edwin's trying to say is that the variety of colors can be confusing.

E: Confusing?

Mortimer: You have green ones and red ones and blue ones.

E: That's kind of the idea. The colors make them fun.

Winston: Fun? How so?

E: Well, maybe not fun. Interesting? It gives them variety.

Winston: You said they were fun.

E: Well, yes, but apparently it was the wrong choice of words. The colors just keep it interesting. It gives the consumer variety.

Mortimer: But they don't want variety. They want E&E's.

E: They're GETTING E&E's. But they come in different colors.

Edwin: And flavors?

E: No. Not flavors. Just colors.

Edwin: Then why have a red one. Red means cinammon.

E: No, it doesn't. It's just a red candy shell.

Edwin: But it's red!

E: It's just a color.

Edwin: If I bought a box of red hots, what color would they be?

E: Red, but...

Edwin: Precisely! And what do they taste like?

E: Cinammon.

Edwin: So surely you see the problem here.

E: No. Look, it's just a red shell. It doesn't really have a flavor.

Mortimer: I have a green one with an M on it. Does that mean it's mint?

E: NO! There are NO mints! There are no flavors! They're all chocolate.

Mortimer: Except for the mint?

E: There is NO mint! It's chocolate! With a green shell!

Mortimer: And an M.

E: sigh

Winston: Well, E, I think we've gone as far as we can with this meeting. Let me just summarize this.

E: Ok.

Winston: You have proposed to us to market a product you call E&E's. Each E&E comes stamped with an E.

E: Right.

Winston: Due to a manufacturing mistake, we have an issue with W's, M's, and an unnamed character appearing alongside the E's.

E: They're ALL E's.

Winston: Second to this is the color scheme, which we're not sold on, as it may confuse our customers.

E: Right. There are colors. And E's.

Mortimer: I think we have things in order here, E. The W's and M's should not be much of a problem.

Edwin: We can probably live with the other symbol as well.

Winston: E, we'd like to thank you for your time and for helping us to understand things more clearly.

E: My pleasure.


Two hours later I was called into another meeting to discuss the "other letters".

Three bodies were later found floating in the Thames, each with a strange symbol carved into their respective foreheads.