Give It Up For Ultraporn

Posted by E

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How about the two of us play a little game? I want you to close your eyes and think very hard about the absolute most disgusting and reprehensible thing you can possibly imagine. It doesn't matter how vile, perverse or disturbing it may be. I'd just like you to focus on it for a minute.

Done? Good, go ahead and open your eyes. Okay, tell me what it was you thought of. Don't worry, I won't think less of you, no matter what it was. In fact, if it's filthy enough I might even think MORE of you.

Now let's get to the upsetting part. Whatever it was you just thought of, regardless of whether it turns your stomach or makes your blood boil, either way somebody masturbates to it.

Don't believe me? Hit google. No matter WHAT you thought of, I'll bet it's been filmed and I'll bet somebody's charging $20 a month for dudes to come spank to it. (In all likelihood, it was filmed in Japan.)

It boggles the mind when you really sit and think about it. Every single thing that has ever been conceived since the dawn of time is somebody's total turn on. This thought occurred to me this morning as I followed one of those links I knew I'd regret seeing. (For the record, a Japanese woman tongue fucking not one but TWO dogs' asses!)

Let that sink in for a minute. Somebody had to recognize the marketability of human/canine analingus. They had to then go and analyze the market to determine just how niche it was, then take the time to get some equipment, hire an actress and get their hands on a couple of dogs. And why? Because someone out there (very likely the next cube/desk over) really wants to see a dog have its chocolate starfish violated by the probing tongue of a young Japanese woman in a schoolgirl's outfit.

As we become more numbed to perversity, thanks in no small part to the internet, peoples' tastes for the pornographic seem to be wavering more towards the extreme. Is this because we've seen it all at this point?

Why settle for plain old vanilla fellatio when you can load up a Max Hardcore film and watch him make those beauties vomit from the forceful face fucking (ooh, alliteration!) he so unpleasantly dishes out?

2 Girls 1 Cup? Pffft. How about 2 Girls 12 Eels? Seen it. Octopus stuffing? Yawn. Cakefarting? Who doesn't like cake? 620 person gangbangs? That's so 2006.

Every time I see a video of this ilk I am transported back to my childhood. (Cue Pepperidge Farms music.) NO, my childhood was NOT that fucked up. Let me explain...

See, I was a kid back in a simpler time, a time when all we had was a 9 year old issue of Playboy that we'd surreptitiously read in the storm drains at my elementary school and the occasional late night Skinemax movie. We were 14 before we were able to get our hands on our first adult movie, thanks to Terry's dad being piss poor at hiding stuff. (For the record, it was called Live Nude Girl and featured a great lesbian scene set to a muzak version of "We're Not Gonna Take It" with dialog so hilarious that 20 years later we still quote it when we get together.) For years the best we could do was an occasional GIF image on a floppy disk.

And today? Jesus. If I could have had access to 24 hour a day amputee fisting, I don't believe I'd ever have left the house. I would have grown up without friends. Why go out and hang with other kids when you can watch a Japanese woman vomit into a bowl, eat that vomit, then force herself to RE-VOMIT it out, only to RE-CONSUME it. That shit is amazing.

Alright, so this is largely tongue in cheek. (Pardon the pun.) I shudder to think that today's kids will actually view this material and find it humdrum and ordinary. What the hell are they going to have to do for the next generation of kids? If everything I've described above becomes the norm, then somebody (the Japanese) is going to have to produce something even MORE vile.

Just like rock and roll has always been about bugging your parents, so too must modern day porn be about offending the shit out of everybody. (Except those who would rush over to eat it afterwards.)

So, I guess it's up to us, as the adults of today, to come up with the ultra porn of tomorrow. Let's take a gander at it, shall we? (If your name is "my mother", please stop reading if you have not already done so. If your name is "my psychiatrist", please pretend that somebody else is writing this.)

The scene opens on a putrescent corpse, green and bloated, with all manner of creepy crawlies munching on the skin which has begun to slough off the skull. A young hermaphrodite lays nearby, inserting the rotting toes of the corpse into her female parts while jabbing at the male bits with a cactus connected to a car battery.

A man with a knife enters the frame and begins stabbing at the corpse, explosive bursts of decompositional gasses blasting forth with each abdominal thrust. The hermaphrodite continues the self satisfaction as a donkey is lead into the room, a box of scorpions affixed on its back.

Almost on cue, as the hermaphrodite begins fellating the donkey, the man with the knife begins pulling out large handfuls of maggot laden viscera and excrement from the corpse. He carries this detritus over to the man in the gimp suit who is missing his lower jaw. The man with the blade affixes a funnel into gimpy's cavernous gullet and forces the foul mixture into the gimp's stomach.

As the gimp begins to shudder with violent, retching spasms, blade man goes back to the hermaphrodite and stabs he/she in the abdomen . Gimpy quickly runs over and vomits into the gaping knife wounds before taking the knife from blade man and carving off his own testicles, which he then excitedly tosses to the mating tigers in the corner.

Gimpy then loosens the funnel wrenched in his throat and affixes it into the pulsing rectum of the hermaphrodite. Blades then proceeds to fill the funnel (and consequently the rectum) with the writhing contents of the scorpion box.

At this point the parade of disfigured midgets marches into camera, each waving their dessicated and missing limbs at the camera before making their way over to the litter boxes. After ganging up on the weakest of the lot, the midgets proceed with smashing out the teeth of their victim before taking turns urinating into its bleeding and swollen mouth.

The whole scene concludes with the placing of the hornet hive over the manhood of the hermaphrodite, while the most muscular midget fists its abdominal knife wound.


This whole depraved and disturbing scenario brings forth a few burning questions that I intend to set to work immediately to answer, such as; where can I rent the cameras, where can I find some midgets and how much do I charge for it once it's filmed?