Last Call, The Bar is Closing...The Last Dance Is Not 10 cents, It's Free

Posted by Arbitrage

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Yep this dance is not 10 cents, but free. Why? Cause it's the last dance for a long while, the party is over and we must now walk out and face the sunlight; knowing we stayed way too late, spent too much money, and disillusioned our selves to the best of our ability.

My sister emails me and says, let's cash out and get the hell out of here. Is she in panic mode or is she sane?

You won't hear much talk of the closed congress meetings earlier this year or even know that it existed. Should have been newsworthy considering it was the 4th time in 176 years it has happened. What was the big deal that had to be so secret that everyone had to take an oath of silence on? E told me the other day that they were bringing in troops in readiness for social unrest.

Well apparently what was discussed behind the close doors was this.

The IMMINENT collapse of the financial system by end of 2008
The IMMINENT collapse of the government finances by end 2009
Revolt by the people which causes civil war.
Finally the North American Union.

Perfect storm don't you think? I mean financial issues the likes most of us have never seen, the possibility of a Black President, and that 1 small problem of WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING CIVIL LIBERTIES ANYMORE. We have signed away our liberties to acquire "protection" from terrorists. Martial law can be executed at will now and nothing can save you. Revolt if you want, everything that protected us is now gone.
So that's why I saw those pictures of portable jail cells not too long ago. They look like leggo, they just snap in place.

So maybe you don't think martial law is possible, maybe just internet phobia.
Let's forget about the possibility of civil war, martial law, and the whole 9.
Ok, I'll buy that argument, but Big Sis is still right about packing up.


Let's deal in econ .00101.

I have been asked many times my thoughts on the situation and for me it's hard to explain unless I know the readers level of knowledge.
The following article eloquently explains better than I could:

http://www.financialsense.com/stormwatch/geo/pastanalysis/2008/0926.html


False Values, False Economy,and the Devil to Pay

by J. R. Nyquist

Weekly Column Published: 09.26.2008


Our wretched economy of false valuations cannot continue much longer. It is the domestic counterpart of President Bush’s past friendship with Vladimir Putin. It is the fantasy world of an everlasting bull market and “successful” government bailouts. The political leadership in America has demonstrated that it doesn’t understand economics. They cannot solve the present crisis unless they go back to school and consult the wisdom they have so long neglected. They have built their post- Cold War world on a false boom, on false “partnerships” with enemies. They have pe rmitted a policy of credit expansion without end.
“Credit expansion,” wrote the Austrian economist Ludwig von Mises, “is the governments’ foremost tool in their struggle against the market economy. In their hands it is the magic wand designed to conjure away the scarcity of capital goods … and to make everybody prosperous.” But everyone cannot be prosperous. The boom created by credit expansion cannot last. This is what the leaders of the United States have missed. “The inescapable consequences of credit expansion,” wrote Mises, “are shown by the theory of the trade cycle. Even those economists who still refuse to acknowledge the correctness of the … credit theory of the cyclical fluctuations of business have never dared to question the conclusiveness and irrefutability of what this theory asserts with regard to the necessary effects of credit expansion.”
And what are these effects?
According to Ludwig von Mises, an upswing occasioned by credit expansion can only be maintained by further credit expansion; and, in the long run, “it turns into depression when the further progress of credit expansion stops.” This outcome is absolutely certain and today’s financial crisis underscores the point. The economic boom of recent years has been propelled forward by an unprecedented credit expansion. At each turn, when the market was threatened with contraction, further credit expansion was urged.
The magic wand of credit expansion is like heroin addiction. The more you take, the more you want. The day inevitably comes when you cannot increase the dosage because you run short of supply. And so it is with credit expansion. The markets are accustomed to easy money. They now require easier and easier money. They are addicted. Eventually, however, they must suffer the symptoms of withdrawal.
Did we think this expansion could continue forever without consequence? Evidently we did not consider where we would end up. And now, at last, the United States Government believes it can fill the hunger for credit through a coordinated push – the last gasp of our insatiable credit addicts. President Bush offers a plan. Behind closed doors he reportedly said, “This sucker could go down.” Once again, the president’s grammar is in error. The sucker in question will go down.
Every dollar poured into the proposed rescue operation will be lost. Buying toxic debt is not a solution. The proposed mechanism for rescuing the economy represents a new falsification of values – and a new twisting of the market. The dollar cannot possibly survive this new initiative. A $700 billion bailout is only the beginning. It is merely a foretaste. What we see in Washington is an exercise in self deception. It is the self deception of a country that does not see danger, of a country that ignores the wisdom of ancestors and the ABCs of economics.
They want a booming economy. What they’ve failed to consider is the false nature of the boom thereby engendered. False values, false ideas and promises of false prosperity pepper the program of today’s politicians. They have no business at the helm of a great country. Their leadership consists in pitiful ignorance, and the republic may be in its last days. There has been a shocking willingness to destroy the country’s currency. “If the government does not care how far foreign exchange rates may rise, it can for some time continue to cling to credit expansion,” Mises explained. “But one day the crack-up boom will annihilate its monetary system.”
The proposed plan to save the markets will save nothing. The proposed solution is no solution. Improper investments have been made and massive losses must result. We have to take our medicine before we can get better. Debasing our already debased currency makes things worse. We have avoided economic pain by a continuous expansion of credit. The artificial boom must come to an end. False values must pass away so that real values can be brought to the fore.
Few realize how destructive the boom has been; for the real damage is done by the regime of false values and our collective investment in those values. “The boom is called good business,” noted Mises, “prosperity, and upswing. Its unavoidable aftermath, the readjustment of conditions to the real data of the market, is called crisis, slump, bad business, depression.” The latter, however, is the period of healing and correction.
The real magic of economics is learning to accept correction. This is what we refuse to do. The country’s financial managers set a terrible example. Traditionally, the captain goes down with his ship. As the Titanic sinks today our financiers don’t want to be rescued in a lifeboat. They want to be rescued in a yacht. They don’t want to accept that wars and depressions are necessary because human nature craves fantasy. The bubble of false peace and false prosperity necessarily bursts. In the end, reality must be confronted.
“People rebel against the insight that the disturbing element is to be seen in the malinvestment and overconsumption of the boom period,” wrote Mises. The curious fact is, noted the Austrian: “If we apply this yardstick to the various phases of the cyclical fluctuations of business, we must call the boom retrogression and the depression progress. The boom squanders through malinvestment scarce factors of production and reduces the stock available through overconsumption; its alleged blessings are paid for by impoverishment. The depression, on the other hand, is the way back to a state of affairs in which all factors of production are employed for the best possible satisfaction of the most urgent needs of the consumers.”
If the state is to do anything constructive during the “progressive” period of depression, it is to maintain the country’s nuclear deterrent and preserve national unity. There is no doubt that America will shortly be forced to call its troops home and close its overseas bases. The financial situation is going to dictate international withdrawal. It is going to dictate a more modest government. But the politicians in Washington cling to the notion that the boom can continue, that their false approach to the international situation is viable. The United States cannot save the world. It will be fortunate to save itself. President Bush’s proposed bailout is not simply a socialist measure. It is an attempt to avoid a return to correct valuations. It is an ignorant attempt, in effect, to extend the damage that has already been done.
Our politicians want to give us easy money, a furtherance of the shopping mall regime. They believe this will prevent millions from losing their jobs. They believe that their proposed measures will save ailing banks. Prosperity would then continue. “This reasoning seems plausible,” wrote Mises. “Nonetheless it is utterly wrong.” The boom has made prices and wages too high. Demand has lost all sense of supply. The consumer is accustomed to getting whatever he wants, even though he cannot afford it. In order to put matters right, wages must fall, consumption must be restricted, wasteful practices must come to an end.
“There is no use in interfering by means of a new credit expansion,” wrote Mises. “This would at best only interrupt, disturb, and prolong the curative process of the depression, if not bring about a new boom with all its inevitable consequences.” When Bill O’Reilly says that the disaster is too great, that despite his support for the free market he sees no alternative to the government bailout plan, he is denying the healing power of a depression. He is denying the fundamental lesson of economics. The damage to the economic system has already occurred during the period of false prosperity.
As strange as it seems, financial crash and depression are needful. We must pass through a time of troubles. There is no other way to correct the regime of false values. The problem, of course, has become political. The regime is a political system in which the economically ignorant call the tune. The magnitude of the disaster is thereby amplified. The political actors now put the political system at risk. Because there are national security implications, they now put our very lives at risk.
Copyright © 2008 Jeffrey R. Nyquist



You can't "FIX" this, it is broken. To employ a bailout only keeps the bar open and the band playing another few hours.

Eventually you have to go home.


WATCH THIS VIDEO. PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO

Meet your fellow McCain voters...

Posted by Markoni

Saturday, September 27, 2008

If you intend to vote for Senator John McCain for President of the United States of America on November 4, 2008, I would like introduce you to some of the people that will no doubt also be supporting McCain on that day.



"We as a nation have to ask ourselves what the hell is going on."




"Man, this truck driver is insane!"




"And aren't you glad?"




"The whole of creation testifies..."




"John, are you ok?"

Pimpin Ain't Dead Part Deaux

Posted by Arbitrage

Thursday, September 25, 2008

In Pimpin Ain't Dead I talked briefly about how all the FED has us all by the balls. Left, Right, Up, Down, Black, White, it doesn't matter. You can fight amongst yourselves all you want pointing and blaming but in the end the FED has us all.

Couple weeks later lo and behold, we're looking at a massive $700 BILLION bailout; which in it's drafted copy gives the FED unlimited authority to not be questioned by the government or COURT OF LAW about it's actions with the money, but also contains a section in which the FED can take ANY bank into it's control.

OK. If I'm across the poker table from the FED\CONGRESS etc.. I'm pushing all in because I'm calling bullshit. What I was taught and what I thought WE believed in was free markets period. PERIOD at any cost. Could things get MIGHTY UGLY if we don't do the bailout, of course, more so than any of us could imagine or prepare for, but guess what, FUCK IT.

Everything we've ever preached, flaunted, and prided ourselves in goes out the window with the bailout. To quote Dr. Ron Paul:
"Times like these have a way of telling us what kind of a people we are, and what kind of country we shall be."
Thus it's quite obvious what we will be-
The United States of Fake Ass Capitalists

Hooray for religion!!!

Posted by Doodface

Friday, September 19, 2008

This is what religion can do when it is followed to the letter. Scary shit.



By DONNA ABU-NASR, Associated Press Writer


RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Arabs across the ideological spectrum, from secular-minded liberals to Muslim hard-liners, are denouncing a top Saudi cleric's edict that it was permissible to kill the owners of satellite TV stations that show "immoral" content.


Many expressed worry the recent comments by Sheik Saleh al-Lihedan — chief of the kingdom's highest tribunal, the Supreme Judiciary Council — would fuel terrorism, encouraging attacks on station employees and owners.

The edict, or fatwa, has also focused the spotlight on Saudi Arabia's legal system because of al-Lihedan's senior position in the judiciary. The system is run by Islamic cleric-judges, many of them hard-liners, and has increasingly been criticized by some Saudis because of the wide discretion judges have in punishing criminals and the perception that many judges are out of touch with the realities of the world.

Even conservative clerics who agree that Arab satellite networks show too many "indecent" programs said al-Lihedan had gone too far.

"Our religion prevents Muslims from watching films that provide seduction, obscenity and vulgarity," said Sheik Hazim Awad, an Iraqi cleric, who, like al-Lihedan, is Sunni Muslim.

But "the real Muslim can just cancel (subscriptions to) these channels," he said.

Many conservatives frown on the Arab world's numerous satellite networks for airing music videos — often with scantily clad women singers — or Western movies and TV shows like "Sex and the City," from which nude scenes are sometimes but not always cut.

Obscenity isn't the only thing that disturbs some. On Tuesday, another Saudi cleric, Sheik Mohammed Munajjid, said the cartoon character Mickey Mouse should be killed. Munajjid said in an interview with a religious Web site that under Islamic law, rats and mice are considered "repulsive" and as "soldiers of Satan."

"For children they've become something great and beloved. Like this Mickey Mouse, who is seen as a great figure, even though under Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed," said Munajjid, who is a well-known cleric but does not hold a government position.

The controversy over al-Lihedan's fatwa began a week ago, when the cleric was answering questions from callers to the daily "Light in the Path" religious program on Saudi state radio. One caller asked about Islam's view of the owners of satellite TV channels that show "bad programs" during the holy month of Ramadan, which began more than two weeks ago.

"I want to advise the owners of these channels, who broadcast calls for such indecency and impudence ... and I warn them of the consequences," al-Lihedan said in the program. "Those calling for corrupt beliefs, certainly it's permissible to kill them."

The remarks were especially surprising because many of the most popular Arab satellite networks are owned by Saudi princes and well-connected Saudi and Gulf businessmen.

On Sunday, reportedly under pressure from senior government figures, al-Lihedan appeared on Saudi state TV to explain his comments, apparently to prevent vigilante killings. He said owners should first be brought to trial and then sentenced to death if other penalties don't deter them.

He said his "advice" was aimed at owners who broadcast witchcraft, indecent programs, shows mocking Islamic scholars or religious police and comedies inappropriate for Ramadan.

The edict chilled managers of satellite networks. Several channels based in Dubai declined comment. One network representative said the staff was taking the fatwa very seriously, but he did not want his name or channel revealed. "Why select yourself as a target by commenting on it?" he said.

Saudi Arabia's judiciary is a bastion of hard-line clerics implementing Islamic law under the strict Wahhabi interpretation. Judges are appointed by the king on the recommendation of the Supreme Judicial Council and have complete discretion to set sentences, except in cases where Islamic law outlines a punishment, such as capital crimes.

King Abdullah has said reforming the legal system is one of his priorities, but so far few changes have been announced — a sign of wariness in confronting the powerful clerics.

One Saudi cleric challenged al-Lihedan, telling the Saudi Al-Jazirah newspaper that the new edict would "lend support to terrorism."

Militants will "recruit our youths to take lives and blow up stations and the properties of the owners of the stations, all based on (al-Lihedan's) grave response," said Sheik Abdul-Mohsen al-Obaikan, an adviser at the Justice Ministry and a member of the appointed Consultative Council, which acts like a parliament.

In Jordan, hard-line cleric Ibrahim Zeid Kailani said although the networks are spreading "decay" among the youth, it's the responsibility of the government and not individuals to deal with the issue.

"Such edicts, which call for killing people, instigate sedition," said Kailani, who heads the Islamic Action Front's Scholars Committee, a hawkish group. "They could transform the countries into internal battlefields."

Around the Arab world, many said el-Lihedan was out of line.

"He shouldn't give such a judgment because he's not God," said Noora Baker, a 27-year-old folkloric dancer from the Palestinian city of Ramallah. "I am against religion interfering with the matters of society."

Top 10 "Hot because they are famous"

Posted by Doodface

Thursday, September 18, 2008

To continue E's love for the top ten list, I must get this one out there. I constantly see very average looking girls referred to as "Hot" simply because they are famous. These women would not even be noticed if you passed them on the street, but because you saw them on TV, they magically become hot.


#10: Sarah "Hot for a Comic" Silverman

Sarah Silverman is very funny, but very hot she is not. She is a rarity in the comedy world by being female, but more so by being a female comic that doesnt make your penis invert. For this reason, she often gets a free "Hot" pass.









#9: Hillary Duff

Not much to say about this one. Just because someone is a "teen starlet" doesn't mean that they become hot the day they become "legal".









#8: Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie is famous by proxy. She is either raised by, or hangs out with famous people. She has no real talent or drive, and only came in to the spotlight after befriending Paris hilton (Who is only famous for being a rich slut).





#7: Ashley Simpson

We only know her name because her older sister is a talented singer, who actually IS attractive. She is also one of those "Famous Siblings" who tries to say that she did it on her own - without her sister's help. And as we have seen from her live performances, she is talentless.





#6: Kirsten Dunst

Ok, so the formula is; if she is a cute child actress she MUST turn out to be a hot adult, right? Wrong.















#5: Jessica Biel

I know a lot of you will disagree with me on this one, but I'm right. You know why? 2 words: Man Face

Nice body, but c'mon guys - Man face.











#4: Sarah Jessica Parker

Horse face.
























#3: Fergie

Ok, now we are getting in to the Holy trinity of "Not Hot". This woman has a face of a botched transvestite plastic surgery. I am not at all interested in her "lady lumps" (since they probably have to be shaved daily).









#2: Tori Spelling

This is nepotism at it's finest! This talentless, alien-like brat would never have seen the light of day had she not been Aaron Spelling's daughter. But it's ok, at least Aaron was smart enough to cut her from the will!







#1: Jennifer Garner

Come on.. She looks like a librarian, but because she got cast in a "cool, sexy role", you are tricked in to thinking that she is hot? I don't want to say too much here though, because with her satellite ears, she can hear me typing this.

Another One I Didn't Write

Posted by E

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Heya folks. Back with another set of words that did not come from my mind. This time the political statement comes from a user on Digg.com named "darlenegray". I thought this was some amazingly well thought out and organized language that helps put a lot of the animosity of the current candidates into perspective.

Sorry I've been pegging you all with political stuff of late, but damnit, this election REALLY MATTERS.



Posted By: darlenegray (September 17, 2008 at 12:48 AM)

For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because 'every family has challenges,' even as black and Latino families with similar 'challenges' are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a '***' redneck,' like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll 'kick their ***' ass,' and talk about how you like to 'shoot ***' for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're 'untested.'

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words 'under God' in the pledge of allegiance because 'if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me,' and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the 'under God' part wasn't added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you. White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was 'Alaska first,' and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a 'second look.'

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a 'trick question,' while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it, a 'light' burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren't sure about that whole 'change' thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

Top 10 Commonly Mispronounced Celebrity Names

Posted by Markoni

Monday, September 15, 2008

10. Dr. Seuss – Theodore Seuss Geisel, the author of dozens of children's books including Green Eggs and Ham and The Cat in the Hat, pronounced his middle name (his mother's maiden name) and pseudonym to rhyme with "voice", as in “Dok-tor Soy-ss”.







9. Zooey Deschanel – American actress, musician, and singer, you’ve probably seen her in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Bridge to Terabithia, Showtime’s Weeds, or the Sci-Fi Channel’s Tin Man. Although you can certainly be forgiven for thinking otherwise, her name is pronounced “Zoh-E” (not “Zoo-E”).






8. Berkeley Breathed – Creator of the long running comic strip Bloom County, B.B won a Pulitzer Prize for Editorial Cartooning in 1987. Although Bloom County officially ended in 1989, the characters of Opus the Penguin and Bill the Cat have continued to live on in his other works. “Burk-lee Breh-thed” is his name, but his friends just call him “Burk”.






7. Randy Bachman – Lead guitarist for the classic rock bands The Guess Who and Bachman-Turner Overdrive, he finally gave up trying to correct the thousands of American DJ’s mispronouncing his name when BTO’s Let It Ride and Taking Care of Business were rocking the charts. Randy and brother Robbie’s last name is pronounced “Back-man” and not “Bock-man”. Seriously.





6. Maggie/Jake Gyllenhaal – Brother Jake was in the movie Brokeback Mountain playing pitcher/catcher with this guy Heath who would later play a grease-painted psychopath in a movie destined to become one of the highest grossing films of all time, during which he blows up Jake’s sister Maggie. Got all that? The last name of these Hollywood actor siblings is Swedish for “golden hall” and is properly pronounced “Jill-En-Hall” (not "Gill-En-Hall").




5. Neil Peart – Drummer and lyricist for Rush since 1974 (joining the band immediately after their self-titled debut album), Neil has been an inspiration for aspiring drummers for more than three decades. Readers of Modern Drummer magazine voted him “Best Rock Drummer” for seven straight years (1980-1986). Neil’s last name is pronounced "Peer-t" (not "Pair-t" or "Per-t").





4. Shia LaBeouf – He’s the kid from the Transformers movie and the son of Indy and Marion in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He’s currently hard at work on Transformers II, and his name is pronounced “Shy-uh Luh-Buff”.







3. Björk – Björk Guðmundsdóttir was the lead singer of The Sugarcubes in the late 1980’s before going solo in the early 1990’s. Her most successful singles include Human Behaviour, Army of Me, and Violently Happy. Björk is actually a common name in her native Iceland where it is pronounced “B-yirk” (not “b-york”).






2. Matt Groening – Creator of both The Simpsons and Futurama, Matt “Gray-ning” (not “groaning” or “grow-ning”) continues to helm both franchises. The Simpsons will be celebrating their 20th season this year – the longest running American sitcom and the longest running American animated series. Futurama’s third direct-to-DVD movie is set to be released in November.





1. Ralph Fiennes – The award-winning actor from movies such as Schindler’s List, The English Patient, Red Dragon, and the Harry Potter films (as none other than Lord Voldemort, beginning with Goblet of Fire), poor Ray has probably been called “R-owl-f Fin-ess” more times than he can count. If you want to get that autograph, though, you’d better call him “Ray-f Fines” (to rhyme with "Waif Wines").

Politics as Usual

Posted by E

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Just a quick one here. I have been watching this year's elections with great interest and speak at length with my friends regarding my thoughts and impressions of the whole shebang. The fact of the matter is, whether you're for McCain or for Obama, the 2008 elections are an absolutely pivotal election.

It saddens me to see how much political discourse in this country has degraded in the last few years. It appears nowadays that the person who is right is generally the one who can yell the loudest and be the most insulting.

I may not agree with everybody's ideas and thoughts, but I've never seen the need to resort to infantile name calling and over the top generalizations to discuss things.

Be that as it may, I have always found a grotesque pleasure in ensconcing myself in the world of both sides. I love listening to a far left liberal rant on about their feelings as much as I enjoy the conservative side.

My true political opinions don't really matter. I'm just another Joe Schmoe. What matters is that all of us take the time to pay attention to what's happening this cycle and do our part to participate.

Whether you're for one side or the other, it's still best to be as knowledgeable and informed on both sides of the issues as possible. It does not serve our country's interests to ignore the process and not take part.

All of this is really just leading up to bit below. I did not write what you see down here. I pulled this from the Sean Hannity forums at http://forums.hannity.com. This was written by a user named "rhet 2".

This is a prime example of the rabidity of over the top rhetoric. I'm not picking on conservative viewpoints or even the original poster. I've seen things equally as over the top from the other side of the argument.

But either way, I find it frightening that in the 21st century we really have to question the patriotic intent of our candidates so much that something as inflammatory as this even need be written.




Which said, I do have very serious doubts about the sanity of some of the Democrat Party leadership.

And very little doubt about the corruption and criminalization of most of the Democrat Party leadership.

And little doubt that Obama is the Republic's worst nightmare, a Communist who will work damned hard to destroy the Constitutional barriers to his own supreme and unhindered power after elected.

He IS a Stalinist, like Chavez -- once elected, he'll make damned sure he's repeatedly elected for life, while his radicalized youth force nationalization of the entire economy -- force with fists and guns and terror tactics -- until our nation is as destroyed as the rest of the Third World.

He wants absolute, unrestricted and unopposed POWER -- and so do the others in the DNC leadership.

NOT SHARED POWER -- absolute power -- power they'll commit every atroncity and crime to acquire.

And it is the Democrat Party since Carter which has eroded the Balance of Power in the Constitution, consistently worked to corrupt the judicial branch to give us IDEOLOGUES ruling not according to law written by ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES but by appointed and UNREPLACEABLE ideologues NEVER HELD ACCOUNTABLE by the People to the People for the laws JUDGES WRITE according to their own moral convictions and desired social policy IN SCORN FOR THE WILL OF THE MAJORITY.

The Democrat Party leadership is out of control and given over to the destruction of the Constitution and of life, liberty, and the right to pursue individually defined happiness however the individual chooses.

The Democrat leadership eeks to destroy the Bill of Rights, the Checks and Balances that block their supremacy, in order to make themselves the Politburo of the Soviet States of America -- where the Party Bosses live large and rich and self-indulgent lives -- and the citizens lose freedom, economic opportunity, hope, and the right to determine for ourselves how to live and how to raise our children by teaching our children to share OUR beliefs and moral convictions instead of their own.

It is the Democrat Party that has appointed corrupt and tyrannical judges -- and Democrat judges who have empowered violent evil men to destroy our physical safety -- and destroyed our schools -- and destroyed the quality of our homes and family life.

It is the Democrat judges who seek to force our children into LIBERAL IDEOLOGICAL RADICALIZATION TRAINING CAMPS called "schools" -- where they turn our children into blank empty-headed radicalized fools given to violence and to crude barbaric self-destructive behaviors instead of dedicated to personal excellence and to RESPECTFUL tolerance of others and loyalty to the nation and to industry, to creativity, to innovation, to daring and strength and SKILL IN LIVING.

And for that corruption of our homes, our schools, our judiciary, and our electoral processes, the Democrat Party leadership WILL PAY with their own loss of stolen luxurious and VERY RICH lives.

Pelosi, Reid, both Clintons, Kennedy, and a dozen others NEED TO STAND TRIAL FOR GRAFT< FOR SELLING THEIR INFLUENCE < FOR PROFITEERING FROM TAX POLICY< FOR THE DEATH AND RAPE AND MURDER OF CHILDREN THEY HAVE ENCOURAGED AND ENABLED< AND FOR SUBVERSION AND DESTRUCTION OF THE CONSTITUTION.

And Barak Obama -- NOT AN AMERICAN AT ALL -- he may have been born to ONE American parent -- but he exhibits NOTHING of an American upbringing, NOTHING of an American mind set -- needs to be stood up and examined to the depth of his bones to find out exactly who is backing that disgusting ANTI-FREEDOM wanna-be COMMUNIST DICTATOR.

The more I dig into that man's policy proposals, the more I look at Joseph Stalin in the making.

And that's NOT biased thinking -- I wish the guy were for real -- HE IS NOT WHAT HE PRETENDS TO BE -- and his proposals are the essence of future hell on earth for my nation. He is violent and destructive and corrupt as hell -- brutal and cruel and totally lacking in HONOR -- greedy for power and NOT RESTRICTED BY ANY PERSONAL HONOR CODE AT ALL -- if x will get him the power he craves, then he will do x and never once regret the nightmare suffering and misery x causes to other human beings.

And that is precisely what the leadership of the DNC has become: so greedy for power at any cost, they just don't give a **** what corrupt, disgusting, dishonorable and plain evil things they have to do to get it.

And the media has become even more corrupt and dishonorable and cruel and dishonest and EVIL as their partners in the DNC leadership.

I wish with all my heart that honest Democrats in Congress and in the general party throughout the nation would stand up and take down the animals who have seized control of a once honorable and decent and worthy group -- but they won't -- because they refuse to believe what is plain as day and obvious as raging fires in CA and hurricanes in the Gulf --

They refuse to follow Lieberman and Miller -- two honest and honorable Democrats who have, indeed, paid the price for defying the corrupt and evil men and women who have destroyed all integrity and trustworthiness in the Democrat Party, turning a strong potentiality into our greatest immediate national threat.

Got Dick? Pimpin ain't dead ya'll mother fuckers just scared.

Posted by Arbitrage

Saturday, September 13, 2008

So it's election time. Now I have to be bombarded with adults in bloomers vigorously shaking their pom poms while they simultaneously sling mounds of mud on each other. We want to call each other racists, Marxists, Muslims, red necks, left vs right, right vs left it is old...

There is one argument in particular that is really bothersome.

The view from the right that the left are socialists and they don't like the Dems hiking up taxes because it's "wealth distribution".

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Did you ever notice that 12 inch dick in your ass? Probably not, because it's been there so long you don't feel it any longer. The fed is so far deep in your ass he's hitting your lungs.

We just added 5 trillion to the debt bailing out Fred and Fannie. Taxpayers are on the hook for about 150 million which our kids'-kids'kids will be paying.
What was the outcome of that? China's bonds are secure.

Fed goes and bails out bear sterns. Puts taxpayers on the hook more.
I never got any income from Bear, Freddie, or Fannie, so why is my money helping to bail them out?

Does this seem capitalistic to you?


Talk about raising taxes the decibel level gets so loud it bursts your eardrums. All the "capitalists" come out because they don't want to "support" socialism.
Swindle your ass and put you on the hook for 29 billion to make an unprecedented move to bailout a non deposit bank and I can hear crickets chirping.

So you will pay another 35K a year in taxes(it's your money, you earned it, and I think you should be able to keep it); However it's hard to hear the I don't want to pay anymore taxes line when we just got 3 Card Monted for 5 trillion.


You don't need the left to bring you closer to socialism, you are 90% there but don't realize it.

The fed doesn't care if you are christian, muslim, right, left, they care about money. Theses mother fuckers don't care about YOU, ME, or MOHAMED ATTA for that matter. We all look the same, we are all PAWNS.
You all can fight, argue, bitch and kill each other, it doesn't matter to them.

You want to set up social programs?
Wow you should be commended--now PAY us.

You want to fight terrorism?
Damn you are good citizen we need more people like you--now PAY us.

You don't like the dems because they promote socialism and want to raise taxes?
I hear you and I couldn't agree more--now PAY us.

You don't like the republicans because of their foreign policy?
We were just saying the same thing--now PAY us.


The interest alone on our debt last year was something like 400 billion. Who is going to pay this shit back; but I digress the geniuses have a great plan, they will create more debt to cover the debt we owe.

It's not 1 person, 1 platform, or a "1" anything that you can lay the blame on, it takes a group effort to fuck up like this. So while america is for sale--Americans sit around and blame each other; all the while the fed has us butt naked in the buck position with our ankles behind our heads.

Divide and conquer. It's all mass confusion caused by vast illusion.

So who was it that said pimpin is dead?

Hot porny porn

Posted by Doodface

Friday, September 12, 2008

This post is so NSFW that you should just turn off your monitor now. If you get fired, it's your own fault. Clicking on any of the following links will bring up graphic images of sex, genetalia, and possibly even *gasp* tits!



So... I am a man with functioning testicles and penis. Therefore, I like the porn. BUT I feel like a complete prude when it comes to my particular tastes. Kinda like when you're a big fan of 1 on 1 heterosexual intercourse in a bed, and you hear about 3 girls fucking one dude on top of 747.. Like "what am I missing out on?". I wonder about what other people I know are into, and why they lean towards those preferences.



I like naked women. That about covers my pornographic preferences. And since the definition of pornography is "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit", I'm not even sure I like porn. I am spanking it to art! I am fucking classy! So when my wife asks me if I look at porn, I can honestly answer "no!". Well.. except for that hot lesbian stuff.



Hell, my whacking material doesn’t even require nudity. I even get in to the "almost nude" stuff like KariSweets and TiffanyTeen. Basically, really hot girls that may show the hint of the edge of a nipple. If you're REALLY lucky, you might get to see them in a see-thru shirt! I love that shit. And I can't explain why. I know that I could go find all the nipples and asses and vaginas I could ever want withing seconds, but sometimes that's not what I'm after.



If I am feeling especially dirty that day, I will go for the more "hardcore" full nudity stuff, and maybe even some masturbation! I might check out some Kate’s Playground, or Jordan Capri. I know, crazy, right?



Other preferences for my "me time":



- Small Tits.. A's and B's are perfect IMO

- Small Nipples.. I HATE giant saucers

- Eraser Nipples..

- Short Girls.. 5'7 or under please

- Shaved Pussy (waxed, actually)

- Nice Ass (not big)



Wow.. just reading that list, you psychology students should have a field day with those, huh?



Things that I do NOT want to see in my porn:



- Dicks - I never want to see penis, for any reason. I cannot understand a heterosexual guy seeing a dude's Nutsack flopping around, and being able to finish the job. I know it's normal for guys to like the blow job or hand job porn, but I hate the sight of a penis. Guys are douchebags, and in porn, they are ultra-douchebags. Which brings me to the next thing I hate.



- "Porn Talk" - OMG people, STFU! I cannot stand hearing a chick scream out such lovely things as "Fuck my wet cunt!!" or "I love your big cock!!". Ugh. And to hear dudes in porn throw out the "You're a fucking whore" or "Take that big dick", makes my penis invert. It's all about degrading the women, and turning them into whores and slaves. I hate this shit.



- Body Fluids - I dont want to see cum, spit, piss, shit, juice or any other bodily fluid. How do people find this shit sexy? I was watching one the other day that I THOUGHT was of my standard fare (Naked woman). Then this stupid bitch starts just taking handfuls of spit and rubbing herself with it. Fucking yuck.



- Beef Curtains - Not much needs to be said here, but dangling and brown is never a good thing in my world.



- "Ethnic Girls" - I like white girls, that's it. Whiter the better in most cases - I guess my Irish DNA maks me seek out equally as pale mates. I can find other races to be attractive, but I don't want to see them naked. For example, everytime I see Padma Lakshmi on TV, I think she is the hottest thing ever. But I have no desire to see her naked, or use her for spank material. It's not a racist thing, it's just my preference.



- S&M - Pain and sex do not exist in the same world for me. I cannot understand whipping, spanking, ball torture, nipple clamps, etc. to be at ALL sexual.



- Anything mentioned in E's post "Give it up for Ultraporn".



I am not sure why I felt the need to share this, but I think it's a fascination with the difference of preferences. I am sure that you could find out more about a man's past and psychological issues by browsing his porn than spending hours in therapy. I would love to know why some people find golden showers to be hot, or why others grab their tissues for a good session of scat porn. I don't understand it in the slightest, and that is so interesting to me.





Wow.. just reading back through this post, this should be a search engine darling, huh?

It's Not Really Funny, I Know...

Posted by E

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I like these here intarnet thingies. I spend a lot of time on at least two or three different webs during the course of my days. But I'll tell you what, I've noticed a trend sweeping the internet, and as much as I tried to resist being lulled by its temptation over here at Omniphobic, I've finally caved in. I'm just gonna have to admit defeat and roll with the punches.

My current infection of ire on the internet (oooh...aliteration!) is the top ten list.

I. Hate. Top. Ten. Lists.

The reason I hate them is simple. They're gimmicky. They're nothing but a cheap trick intended to generate a few hits. There are far too many sites that rely on the ease of construction of these lists. It really doesn't take a whole lot of effort to generate these kinds of lists. Just come up with a few pictures or points, insert a snarky comment here and there and VOILA! Another billion hits if you manage to make front page at digg.com or reddit.com.

And if you're the kind of site that does nothing but top ten lists, you WILL make the front page. Lists seem to be quite popular.

So, in the interest of appealing to as broad an audience as we can, I've decided to bite the proverbial bullet and unleash the first list of our own. We may do more in the future, who knows.

So for now, I present to you:

The Top Ten Hindu-Arabic Numerical Notations in the Base-10 Numeral System

10: 9

The number nine is the exact number of planets present in our very own solar system until August 24, 2006, when a bunch of ne'er do wells in lab coats decided that we were simply too good for Pluto. Dicks.


9: 8

Ever wondered how many heads you could fit in a single duffel bag? I checked with Joe Pesci. The answer, apparently, is 8.


8: 7

It's been said that six is afraid of seven. Do you know why? Because seven engaged in numerophagic activities with nine, resulting in the complete consumption and ultimate expulsion of said number. (I never got that joke, either.)


7: 6

6...as in NIKKI SIXX!!!! Hellz yeah. When I think of the absolute greatest bassists of the lower third of the chaff that's scraped from the barrel of mediocrity once amazing bands like Danger Danger and Accept have been separated, I think of Nikki Sixx. A man so amazing that even Motley Crue could not contain his awesomeness in the song they wrote about his heroin overdose.

"Skydive naked from an aeroplane
Or a lady with a body from outer space
My heart, my heart
Kickstart my heart"

Truer words were never spoken.


6: 5

Johnny 5. He's alive. That's all that needs to be said.


5: 4

4 is my personal favorite number. To explain why would take far too much time and give you way too much of a window into my obsessive compulsive tendencies. You've seen enough of that one...


4: 3

3 movies in the original Star Wars trilogy, the holiest of all trinities. More perfect than that holy triumverate that people are always going on about in church. Jesus died for your sins, sure, but he wasn't HALF the badass that Darth Vader was.


3: 2

The number of girls required for 1 cup to be any fun at all.


2: 1

1, as referenced by the song, is the loneliest number. How could it not be once the landmine has taken your sight, taken your speech, taken your hearing, taken your arms, taken your legs, taken your soul and left you with life in Hell?


1: 0

The amount of interest I imagine anybody reading this drivel has by this point. I don't blame you.


Yeah, okay, not funny. Well aware. And therein lies the point of all this. Top ten lists kind of blow.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

I love cigars. It's a tough hobby to explain, but once you understand it, it's great. It's something that spans incomes and social status. You can be a multi-billionaire smoking aged cuban Montecristos from the 80's, or you can be an iron worker smoking a bundle smoke from Cigars International after work. Either way - you are really going to enjoy that time that you are smoking that cigar.

So why do I like them so much? Well it started for me as just something to try. I had no "need" for them, but I figured I would try them. I think E and Arbitrage talking about them actually convinced me to try them. At first, they all taste like burning leaves. So I started with mild cigars - Ashton Classic, Romeo & Julieta, h upmann. In those first few cigars, it was purely about the experience. I would sit outside in beautiful weather, and just spend an hour smoking, reading, and just relaxing. Then one day, I smoked a Montecristo classic. This is when I "got it". I tasted flavors for the first time - slight hints of teas, florals, woodsy flavors, and even a slight lemon flavor. From this point on, I was hooked. I had to try new cigars, and find new flavors. The first time I smoked a Padron 1926, and tasted black cherry was an awesome experience.

Shortly after, E had a party with some of the finest beers you can buy (Youngs double chocolate stout, Samuel Smiths Oatmeal Stout, Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, Old Peculiar, to name a few), and cigars. E and I ended up sitting on his back porch for hours smoking cigars, drinking beer, and having intellectual conversation. This was another aspect of cigars that I found that I loved. You have a new connection with other cigar smokers. You immediately have something in common, and something to create new conversations.

I am an ex-cigarette smoker. I quit on April 1st, 2007. As anyone who smokes or has quit smoking knows, drinking and smoking go hand in hand. Before finding cigars, that was the greatest point of temptation. I would go to a bar, and as soon as I took my first sip of beer, I craved a cigarette. Now with cigars, I never crave them. Also, there is no physical addiction to cigars when smoked in moderation. I can go for weeks without one, and never have a craving. You DO get some nicotine from cigars, but unless you are smoking multiple cigars a day, your body clears it out quickly enough that you do not become dependant on it.

So then there is the collecting aspect of it. There are thousands of brands, sizes, styles, and tobaccos. Each person develops their own tastes and preferences. Unfortunately, the best ones usually are the most expensive. Someone who is a wine connoisseur can understand this. So to collect them, you need a special place to store them - just like wine. So cigars are stored in humidors that should be kept at a humidity level of 65%-70%, and a temperature of 63-72 degrees. So after you get the humidor, it becomes a challenge to start filling it up. Soon, this turns into a problem of not having enough room for cigars (until you buy a new humidor). Also like fine wines, most cigars get better with age. I am currently aging Opus Xs, Padron Anniversaries, Blackstone pre-embargo cubans, Montecristo Cubans, as well as many "less impressive" sticks.

Luckily, every friend that I have tried to get into cigars has joined me. E hadn't smoked in years, but now regularly lights up. he also says that a cigar during writing helps his creativity and flow of the posts. Arbitrage gave me my first humidor, and also is a regular smoker now. Probably 50% of our conversation is cigar-related. Some of my current favorite moments involve sitting on my friend's front porch, talking, and smoking cigars. A session of "Front porch time" as we call it, on a tuesday night can make the week just so much easier to get through.

The relaxation aspect of cigars is nearly indescribable. It sounds stupid, I know. But it has been compared to meditation in it's effect on people. The selecting, inspecting, cutting, lighting and smoking of a cigar removes everything else from your mind. You are focused on something as trivial as rolled-up tobacco. After a good cigar (Which can take anywhere from an hour to 2 hours to smoke), I feel like my mind is refreshed, and the stress of the day has been wiped away. The feeling to me is somewhat like how you feel after a full body massage.

So of course it's not all good, right?

No, it's still tobacco, so there are risks involved. However, cigars are not meant to be inhaled like cigarettes. You simply draw the smoke in to your mouth, "taste" it, and blow it out. There is a cancer risk, but it is very rare if done correctly. For people that smoke 7 or less cigars per week, and do not inhale, there is almost no increased risk of cancer over non-smokers. The people that end up with cancerous mouth sores are the ones that smoke many per day. Sigmund Freud smoked an average of 20 cigars PER DAY. It finally caught up with him at age 83 - 67 YEARS after he started smoking. I normally average about 3-4 per WEEK.

Cigars create a ton of smoke, and they don't smell great to non-smokers. If you are going to smoke cigars, you have to be courteous about it. If you are in a smoky bar - light up, and enjoy. If you are on a restaurant patio that allows smoking, but people are eating all around you, hold off until people are not eating, and when you DO light up, try to make it so that your smoke isn't blowing right at people. If you think that you might be bugging other people, you probably are - and you probably arent going to enjoy that cigar.

If you are interested in trying cigars, give them a shot.. Start with something mild, and work your way up. It really is a great hobby. It is relaxing as hell, you will meet some great people. Don't be intimidated to walk in to a shop and ask for advice. They will be happy to introduce someone to our beloved hobby.

This Post is Made of Phail

Posted by E

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Some posts just write themselves.

Take this one, for instance. The image you see above is an actual fax received today at my job. (Click the image for a larger size.) The company's name and information have been changed to protect the guilty but the rest is as real as you can get. All markings in red were appended by the group of miscreants I call friends/coworkers. Mad props to Markoni for creating the final image.

This editing of their fax was originally intended to be sent back to the good people at "Top Roofing", though we were unable to determine a real fax number or e-mail address to which to send our correspondence. This is a shame as we really wanted to assist this company in all future endeavors. We're sticklers for proper punctuation, spelling, and grammar and wanted to ensure that "Top Roofing" excelled at all of the above.

Not that I would want to question the intergrity of certtfed specialists such as "Top Roofing". Indeed, without their applled specilty, I'm not certain whether or not we'd be able to have all of our reaires completely in a timly mannnr. Bare in mined, this is not a condomnation of thier abilties, meerly us pionting out som of the more ovbious and glarng speling erors that we happpened across.

Make of this what you will, but I'd be hard pressed to take any business seriously that managed TWELVE errors in a single page. Who is their proofreader, Helen Keller?

For the time being we'll just have to score them with an F, for EPIC PHAIL.

Another Walk on the Dark Side

Posted by E

Monday, September 8, 2008

He squirms uncomfortably in his chair, tight bonds wrapped around his arms holding him steady in place. His face is apprehensive, yet resigned to the fate that both he and the viewer knows await him. Legs quiver with nervous energy as expectation gives way to bubbling fear, a knowledge of forthcoming horror and pain concluded only by the termination of his own life.

He knows these things are coming and knows full well that these actions are being recorded for the sake of others, whether it be for warning, for propaganda or for ghoulish entertainment, his final moments will be etched into memory and made available for all to dwell in. His death is not a private matter, but an event shared by all who choose to view this film. But do not weep too deeply for his fate, he sealed it on his own by his own hand and actions.

The man laid bare before us ultimately chose his own fate. Through his own decisions he found himself bound to this iron chair. His terminal moments will be spent in quiet reflection of the lives he has chosen to extinguish or complicate.

The video in question was created by Los Negros, a narco-military unit borne as an offshoot of the Sinaloa Cartel. It exists for the purpose of sending warning to a rival group, Los Zetas, for the killing of multiple people in Acapulco in February of 2007, an act considered by the police to be a "settling of scores".

The video begins with a message in Spanish, "Do something for your country, kill a Zeta!". The man is bound in only his underwear, writing covering most of his body, including the name of the leader of the Zetas branded across his leg.

The bloodied and obviously beaten man stammers through a confession, his voice echoing on the cold walls; a hollow reprise to a voice nearly bereft of life. He weakly continues his discussion, stealing occasional glances at the unblinking eye which stares relentlessly and unaffected.

This hollow echo is soon followed by the metallic creak of the chair, as his shaking legs intensify their actions. Soon the room fills with the muffled sound of music in another room, perhaps meant to hide the noises which may soon ensue.

Our victim isn't certain what fate awaits him, only that final judgment lays mere moments from now. The music's beat doubtless matches the accelerating heartbeat of the troubled man, who continues to speak. He knows that each moment spent speaking is another moment spent alive.

The camera cuts and soon we're back. He seems more haggard, worn down, stripped of whatever optimism still resided within him. We are not to know what has transpired since the cut, but it is plain to the viewer that it was unpleasant.

His legs take on a more spasmodic countenance as his inevitable climax doubtless approaches. The camera, cold and fixated upon his face now shows a man beaten in more ways than one. Whereas before he was staring directly into its soulless lid, his head now dangles, staring downward, further indication of his slipping humanity.

Another cut and now his speech begins to take on a more desperate tone. His restraints cause him considerable discomfort, and he begins struggling to maintain his composure, his breathing fast becomes shallow. For the first time we become aware of multiple people in the room with him, unseen but heard, a chorus of mumbled voices spilling forth amongst the cacophonous din of movement.

The camera cuts again and now we can see another person in frame with the victim, though we see only an arm and a single hand, clad in a latex glove. The man with the gloved hand asks our victim a question, and finding himself displeased with the answer punches the restrained man in the jaw. Another question, another strike, continuing on, the music spilling from the other room taking on a more cheerful tone as the mood in the room darkens.

After the third strike, his legs quiver into a frenzied overdrive, nervous apprehension seizing control of the victim's body. The appointed hour draws near and he can sense it with each passing second. Pallor turning ashen, he struggles to let loose what will be his final soliloquy.

Another cut and now we see that execution is imminent. Two men are in the frame now behind the victim, one affixing a leather strap around his neck, the other holding a pair of white pipes, combining them together to fashion a crude garotte.

Once affixed they move to begin the strangulation. In a moment of sheer intestinal fortitude, the victim looks directly to the camera as he feels the garotting begin. He stares down the accusatory eye of malevolence seated across from him, an act of powerful defiance, as if to say "You can take my life, but you cannot take my soul".

Strangulation commences and the viewer is left with one fleeting moment of the victims eyes beginning to bulge from the pressure before the camera cuts away. One final cut occurs and the now headless corpse of the victim is displayed in the chair before a warning is burned across the screen, naming the head of the Zetas as the next intended victim.


For those who have been with us for awhile, you may have noticed that articles like this get written by me from time to time, usually focusing on some particularly nasty little bit of video I've come across on the net. If you find yourself put off by this kind of ghoulish content, I apologize. I do my best not to be exploitative with this pieces. I am merely trying to present them as I see them.

Videos such as this serve as an excellent reminder that no matter how dismal or dreary our everyday lives may seem, our petty concerns pale in comparison to the world unleashed on others. I watch these horrors comforted in no small part by the fact that they are not being perpetrated upon me.

It sounds selfish, and I'm sure that it is, but facts are facts. I trudge through life and whine internally about my own indulgent concerns, as do all of us. But seeing the frailty of life and the fleeting nature of our own mortality helps to center me, to force me to recognize a world far greater than I can imagine, horrific in its brutality and breathtaking in its beauty, all in one moment.

I write these articles usually as a means of dealing with my own pent up hostilities and anxieties. They almost always come after a period of relative inactivity on my part. Whatever minimal concerns occupy my mind begin to constrict the flow of ideas within my mind. The concepts still appear, but the words elude me.

Dark pieces such as this help me to refocus my creative energies, to balance my mind between its light and dark halves. I strive to be entertaining and whimsical, but sometimes the nature of existence slowly begins to decompose that aspect of my personality.

I apologize for this self indulgent postscript. I appreciate any and all who come to share in whatever the hell it is myself and the rest of our team scribble across the multitudinous webs. Knowing that we entertain is quite a reward.

I guess this preceding rant can be summed up in the following:

If you come for the humor, stay for the darkness.
If you come for the darkness, stay for the humor.
Either way, I hope we give you something to enjoy.


Should you wish to view the video, you can do so here.

Wait...Don't Chute!!!

Posted by E

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Doodface's musings on his newfound love of fishing brought to mind a story of my own from back in the day, albeit a rather short story.

I was taught how to fish at a young age, spending hours in our pontoon boat out on the mighty Tennessee River, in hopes of catching my own bass. And while I never became what you would consider an expert fisherman, I did learn a thing or two and caught a few fish in my day. Mind you, we never kept what we caught, we always threw it back. (You couldn't pay me to eat those filthy things.)

By the time I reached adulthood, my opinion on the matter changed significantly. I was still interested in the principle of fishing, but had little to no desire to actually catch one. I had softened with age and had long since decided that I saw no need to puncture a fish's mouth, yank it to where it cannot breathe and ogle at it, only to toss it back into the river, likely to find itself ripped asunder by the other fish, owing largely to the gaping and bloody wound I had left behind in its maw.

So the decision was made, I was going to head down to the local lake and do some fishing, though not in the traditional sense. No, I had no interest in catching any of the slimy bastards, so I simply tied little chunks of uncooked dough to the end of my line, attached a few sinkers so it would drop, and spent my day merrily casting and reeling, occasionally replenishing the dough that would inevitably end up eaten by my fishy friends.

However a license is required for fishing around these parts, and after an hour or so Ranger Smith showed up and demanded that I present mine. This of course put me in a quandary, as I did not have nor did I have any intention of getting a license.

And so I launched into a lengthy diatribe about how I was there merely to feed the fish, my methodology and my complete lack of gear and tackle. The ranger was not well convinced at first, but within short order I had brought him around and I managed to continue my fish feeding expedition without incident.

Like I said, quick and simple, nothing to it. But beyond the fishing tale, further inspiration was struck in me. As you saw above, I am not afraid of a good debate, an argument where I feel passionately about the topic at hand. I have been privy to a great deal of debates in my day, some minor, some major, but none have been as long lasting and endless as the "chute" debate.

The chute debate started innocently enough, just an offhand remark thrown by somebody which quickly degenerated into the decade long argument between Terry and myself that continues to this day.

Within minutes of beginning, the chute argument had expanded to involve a whiteboard. People were grabbed as they arrived at the house and forced to listen to both sides of the argument and then declare allegiance to what they perceived to be true. Lines were drawn in the sand that night and even now, years later, it takes only the mention of the word "chute" to set us off again, vehemently arguing our respective stances.

So what is the chute argument? It's really quite simple:

Given that person A is having deep, pounding anal intercourse with person B, would person A's testicles slap the chute of person B?

That right there is the summation. As simple and clear cut as an argument can get. No frills, no fancy language, just a simple, direct question.

Can the balls slap the chute?

The first argument revolves around angles. Is it possible for chute slapping to occur based on standard positioning? Through diagramming on the whiteboard, setting up artist's manikins and yes, even posing our friends, we were able to come to agreement that it is possible for slapping positioning to be achieved. There still is no agreement on slapping itself, but at least it can be agreed that it is possible for people to be positioned in such a way that slapping could occur.

The second argument has yet to be resolved to anybody's satisfaction. Namely, the definition of the chute.

It can be agreed that the chute is comprised of the internal component that houses the shaft during sexual congress, but what has not been determined is the boundaries of the chute.

One side argues that the chute is self contained, that the chute itself is nothing more than the internal mechanics that allow the passage of materials both into and out of the body. The counter argument is that a chute, while mainly internalized, exists in three dimensions meaning that it must have a beginning and an ending external to itself, therefore the anus could be seen as the chute's end cap, thereby allowing a slapping of the anus to constitute slapping of the chute.

It is precisely this lack of agreement on the physical properties of the chute which have allowed this argument to perpetuate all these years.

Assuming we were ever to find a common ground on the definition of the chute itself, it goes without saying that the next argument would be "what constitutes slapping"?

Though this topic has only been grazed in the past, it was apparent that we would not agree on this matter either. One side sees slapping as any act of touching, thereby allowing a "stamp" of the chute to be considered a full blown slap. The other argues that slapping, by definition, would have to include the sound, and therefore a true chute slap could only be achieved when one could hear auditory proof of its existence.

I guess this begs the counter question: If a chute is slapped in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, was the chute really slapped?

You would probably think from reading what's above that this whole argument is a light hearted affair, with Terry and I both enjoying what is doubtless a whimsical debate whenever possible. You couldn't be further from the truth, though.

Anybody who has borne witness to the argument sparking back up can attest to the fact that we both get angry rather quickly, a by-product of years of pent up hostility and a complete unwillingness to see the other side's argument.

We have seriously dragged well over 50 people into the chute debate over the years. The fun part is that nobody seems to take a middle ground on it. People seem to have very strong opinions on chute slapping, whether they ever realized it before the argument was brought to their attention or not.

To anybody who bothers to make it through this piece, I'd love to know where you fall on the argument.

To slap the chute or not to slap the chute...that is the question.

Too drunk to fish?

Posted by Doodface

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

This year, a friend of mine got me in to fishing. I hate him for that.

He hyped me up by telling me how fun it is, and stories of fish he has caught. It's never been "my thing" but what the hell, I'll give it a shot.

He lives on a little lake, so luckily it doesn't cost us anything or require any driving. We started off in the spring, and went quite a bit - mainly late at night. We would head out on his lake's pier, drink a ton of beer, and smoke a lot of cigars. We caught a bunch of catfish - including a pretty damn big one that he caught. I loved it.

Ok, so now I am "hooked". I go to Bass Pro Shops, get a couple of fishing poles, a little "starter" tackle box, and every kind of pure I can think of. I am gonna catch some fucking fish!!

Nope. No, I'm not.

I decided that I wasn't interested in catfish anymore, as that is just "too easy". I wanted to catch "Real" fish - Bass. Little did I know that these little bastards are the most finicky little shits on the planet - EVERYTHING affects them!! If it's too boo boo sunny, they go to the bottom and hide. If it's too cold they just sleep all the time. If you look at them, they take it personally, and will not touch your lure.

Unless they are on video.. Then these assholes are jumping in to the boat, jumping out of the water, biting at everything in sight! My friend tells me to start watching this show that shows what the fish are doing underwater, and shows these guys catching them. I swear to you they must have caught 30 bass in an hour. I think the sprinkle cocaine on the lake 20 minutes before they go out - because these fish are just retarded and hyper.

So.. Since actually investing money, I have caught maybe 5 fish, and they were all the size of overfed minnows. I have not even seen a bass in real life. I swear that they do not exist. I have tried 4 different lakes, I have tried every time of the day, I have tried every type of lure known to man, and I just can't catch anything! Oh, and I could be fishing with Bill Dance and he wouldn't catch anything either. The fish hate me so much that even my friends are punished.

My typical day at the lake goes something like this; I arrive at the lake with an optimistic attitude. I throw one worm in on a bobber, and use the other pole to throw lures. I throw the lure, and then immediately snag it on something. I have caught trees (dead AND alive ones), turtles, sticks, leaves, rocks, the dock, and myself. After I snag the lure, I try for about 5 minutes to get it loose, before I just snap the line, and put another lure on the line (to lose within the next few minutes). Usually during the time when I am most pissed and frustrated, my bobber starts jumping. I get so excited that I cant figure out which pole to grab, and then when I DO figure it out, I yank so hard that if there WAS a fish on the line, I would have just ripped his face off. I then pull in the empty hook (because they have stolen my worm), and put another worm on it. Rinse and repeat.

It would be a lot more fun for me to just go to the lake, dump my tackle box in to the water, and then sit back and drink beer.

I am not at all an uncoordinated person normally, but I am like a fishing blooper reel, I kid you not. The things I have done while fishing are just amazingly dumb. My friends that have been fishing their whole lives have on multiple occassions just looked at me and said "Wow, I have never seen anyone do that before!". Like for example, a few weeks ago, I went to cast, and the lure caught in the pier. When I went forward, the line snapped. Half of the pole was then cast about 40 yards out in to the middle of the lake. But on the bright side, that was one of the few times I snagged a lure, and was able to get it back. Then one of the neighborhood kids swam in the lake to get the other half of my pole. That was an hour where the focus was just on laughing at myself, and drinking beer - aka the best "fishing experience" for me.

Well now the summer is winding down, and the best fishing times will soon be behind us. I will have to put this conquest on hold until next spring. But I will NOT be beaten by this redneck sport!!!

So now I am thinking about getting in to hunting.. My wife thinks I am turning in to a redneck. Oh well.