Wait...Don't Chute!!!

Posted by E

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Doodface's musings on his newfound love of fishing brought to mind a story of my own from back in the day, albeit a rather short story.

I was taught how to fish at a young age, spending hours in our pontoon boat out on the mighty Tennessee River, in hopes of catching my own bass. And while I never became what you would consider an expert fisherman, I did learn a thing or two and caught a few fish in my day. Mind you, we never kept what we caught, we always threw it back. (You couldn't pay me to eat those filthy things.)

By the time I reached adulthood, my opinion on the matter changed significantly. I was still interested in the principle of fishing, but had little to no desire to actually catch one. I had softened with age and had long since decided that I saw no need to puncture a fish's mouth, yank it to where it cannot breathe and ogle at it, only to toss it back into the river, likely to find itself ripped asunder by the other fish, owing largely to the gaping and bloody wound I had left behind in its maw.

So the decision was made, I was going to head down to the local lake and do some fishing, though not in the traditional sense. No, I had no interest in catching any of the slimy bastards, so I simply tied little chunks of uncooked dough to the end of my line, attached a few sinkers so it would drop, and spent my day merrily casting and reeling, occasionally replenishing the dough that would inevitably end up eaten by my fishy friends.

However a license is required for fishing around these parts, and after an hour or so Ranger Smith showed up and demanded that I present mine. This of course put me in a quandary, as I did not have nor did I have any intention of getting a license.

And so I launched into a lengthy diatribe about how I was there merely to feed the fish, my methodology and my complete lack of gear and tackle. The ranger was not well convinced at first, but within short order I had brought him around and I managed to continue my fish feeding expedition without incident.

Like I said, quick and simple, nothing to it. But beyond the fishing tale, further inspiration was struck in me. As you saw above, I am not afraid of a good debate, an argument where I feel passionately about the topic at hand. I have been privy to a great deal of debates in my day, some minor, some major, but none have been as long lasting and endless as the "chute" debate.

The chute debate started innocently enough, just an offhand remark thrown by somebody which quickly degenerated into the decade long argument between Terry and myself that continues to this day.

Within minutes of beginning, the chute argument had expanded to involve a whiteboard. People were grabbed as they arrived at the house and forced to listen to both sides of the argument and then declare allegiance to what they perceived to be true. Lines were drawn in the sand that night and even now, years later, it takes only the mention of the word "chute" to set us off again, vehemently arguing our respective stances.

So what is the chute argument? It's really quite simple:

Given that person A is having deep, pounding anal intercourse with person B, would person A's testicles slap the chute of person B?

That right there is the summation. As simple and clear cut as an argument can get. No frills, no fancy language, just a simple, direct question.

Can the balls slap the chute?

The first argument revolves around angles. Is it possible for chute slapping to occur based on standard positioning? Through diagramming on the whiteboard, setting up artist's manikins and yes, even posing our friends, we were able to come to agreement that it is possible for slapping positioning to be achieved. There still is no agreement on slapping itself, but at least it can be agreed that it is possible for people to be positioned in such a way that slapping could occur.

The second argument has yet to be resolved to anybody's satisfaction. Namely, the definition of the chute.

It can be agreed that the chute is comprised of the internal component that houses the shaft during sexual congress, but what has not been determined is the boundaries of the chute.

One side argues that the chute is self contained, that the chute itself is nothing more than the internal mechanics that allow the passage of materials both into and out of the body. The counter argument is that a chute, while mainly internalized, exists in three dimensions meaning that it must have a beginning and an ending external to itself, therefore the anus could be seen as the chute's end cap, thereby allowing a slapping of the anus to constitute slapping of the chute.

It is precisely this lack of agreement on the physical properties of the chute which have allowed this argument to perpetuate all these years.

Assuming we were ever to find a common ground on the definition of the chute itself, it goes without saying that the next argument would be "what constitutes slapping"?

Though this topic has only been grazed in the past, it was apparent that we would not agree on this matter either. One side sees slapping as any act of touching, thereby allowing a "stamp" of the chute to be considered a full blown slap. The other argues that slapping, by definition, would have to include the sound, and therefore a true chute slap could only be achieved when one could hear auditory proof of its existence.

I guess this begs the counter question: If a chute is slapped in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, was the chute really slapped?

You would probably think from reading what's above that this whole argument is a light hearted affair, with Terry and I both enjoying what is doubtless a whimsical debate whenever possible. You couldn't be further from the truth, though.

Anybody who has borne witness to the argument sparking back up can attest to the fact that we both get angry rather quickly, a by-product of years of pent up hostility and a complete unwillingness to see the other side's argument.

We have seriously dragged well over 50 people into the chute debate over the years. The fun part is that nobody seems to take a middle ground on it. People seem to have very strong opinions on chute slapping, whether they ever realized it before the argument was brought to their attention or not.

To anybody who bothers to make it through this piece, I'd love to know where you fall on the argument.

To slap the chute or not to slap the chute...that is the question.