It's Not Really Funny, I Know...

Posted by E

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I like these here intarnet thingies. I spend a lot of time on at least two or three different webs during the course of my days. But I'll tell you what, I've noticed a trend sweeping the internet, and as much as I tried to resist being lulled by its temptation over here at Omniphobic, I've finally caved in. I'm just gonna have to admit defeat and roll with the punches.

My current infection of ire on the internet (oooh...aliteration!) is the top ten list.

I. Hate. Top. Ten. Lists.

The reason I hate them is simple. They're gimmicky. They're nothing but a cheap trick intended to generate a few hits. There are far too many sites that rely on the ease of construction of these lists. It really doesn't take a whole lot of effort to generate these kinds of lists. Just come up with a few pictures or points, insert a snarky comment here and there and VOILA! Another billion hits if you manage to make front page at digg.com or reddit.com.

And if you're the kind of site that does nothing but top ten lists, you WILL make the front page. Lists seem to be quite popular.

So, in the interest of appealing to as broad an audience as we can, I've decided to bite the proverbial bullet and unleash the first list of our own. We may do more in the future, who knows.

So for now, I present to you:

The Top Ten Hindu-Arabic Numerical Notations in the Base-10 Numeral System

10: 9

The number nine is the exact number of planets present in our very own solar system until August 24, 2006, when a bunch of ne'er do wells in lab coats decided that we were simply too good for Pluto. Dicks.


9: 8

Ever wondered how many heads you could fit in a single duffel bag? I checked with Joe Pesci. The answer, apparently, is 8.


8: 7

It's been said that six is afraid of seven. Do you know why? Because seven engaged in numerophagic activities with nine, resulting in the complete consumption and ultimate expulsion of said number. (I never got that joke, either.)


7: 6

6...as in NIKKI SIXX!!!! Hellz yeah. When I think of the absolute greatest bassists of the lower third of the chaff that's scraped from the barrel of mediocrity once amazing bands like Danger Danger and Accept have been separated, I think of Nikki Sixx. A man so amazing that even Motley Crue could not contain his awesomeness in the song they wrote about his heroin overdose.

"Skydive naked from an aeroplane
Or a lady with a body from outer space
My heart, my heart
Kickstart my heart"

Truer words were never spoken.


6: 5

Johnny 5. He's alive. That's all that needs to be said.


5: 4

4 is my personal favorite number. To explain why would take far too much time and give you way too much of a window into my obsessive compulsive tendencies. You've seen enough of that one...


4: 3

3 movies in the original Star Wars trilogy, the holiest of all trinities. More perfect than that holy triumverate that people are always going on about in church. Jesus died for your sins, sure, but he wasn't HALF the badass that Darth Vader was.


3: 2

The number of girls required for 1 cup to be any fun at all.


2: 1

1, as referenced by the song, is the loneliest number. How could it not be once the landmine has taken your sight, taken your speech, taken your hearing, taken your arms, taken your legs, taken your soul and left you with life in Hell?


1: 0

The amount of interest I imagine anybody reading this drivel has by this point. I don't blame you.


Yeah, okay, not funny. Well aware. And therein lies the point of all this. Top ten lists kind of blow.