Creepy Tales from the Darkside - Part 1

Posted by E

Sunday, January 4, 2009

At least a handful of times in my history here at Omni, I have trodden into somewhat offensive territory. I don't necessarily wallow in my crepulence, but on occasion I do enjoy wading out into the murky waters of putresence that linger on the outskirts of my brain. And while I do enjoy writing things of an offensive nature, there is a certain degree of caution that must be exercised when writing things such as that.

Point in example: One has to be certain that they've established a rapport with their reader before they can write things describing in horrifying detail the actions of a jawless gimp forced to vomit putrefying feces into the fresh stab wound of a hermaphrodite.

This is very true. Try slipping that kind of content into the six o'clock news and you'll likely be sanctioned by the FCC. Try and slap that into the middle of a perfectly normal piece about orphanage funding and they'll run you out of town.

But...build expectations properly and ease your reader into it and they will allow you to sicken their mind with detail after vulgar detail. They may complain afterward about how disgusting you are, but nevertheless they will allow you to take their minds places they would normally never consider even in their darkest nightmares.

I'm not claiming to be the king at this, or even to have some secret knowledge that makes me any better than the majority of writers out there. The fact remains, however, that there is a certain degree of skill required to properly offend or upset your readers.

I see these types of writing as a covenant, a bond between myself and the reader. As the writer, I know where I intend to take you. I know what dark depths I will plumb in my quest to disturb you. If I wish you to be a willing participant, I must earn your trust. You must be willing to allow my mental attacks. As such, if I give up the ghost too quick, or do not establish a connection with you, you will find my works of horror pedantic, dull and sometimes even downright silly.

So why all this buildup? Am I just here to stroke my own ego? Am I simply talking about what an AWESOME writer I am for no real purpose?

I will tell you why I am discussing this. It can be said in one wordish object: Korey666

I don't know if Korey666 is a reader of Omni or not. He certainly has had the opportunity to find us. If he is, he should probably stop reading, as I am not going to be at my nicest for the rest of this article.

I first ran across Korey666's work in a forum post entitled "Short excerpt from a book I'm writing... would you read it?".

Right away I should have known to expect trouble. With a title like "Short excerpt", I'm sure the average user wasn't expecting the FIVE THOUSAND WORD collection of stories that he posted forthwith.

As a writer, I feel it's not really my place to critique or attack other writers for their efforts. Everybody does their own thing, and I'm sure there are a myriad of styles that I just don't understand. But the more I read and re-read the stories put forward by Korey, the more I came to realize that what I was reading was one of two things, either the most subversively genious piece of writing I had ever encountered, or a big steaming bowl of shit. After spending a lot of time with the work, I'm going to err on the side of shit.

For proof of the shittiness at play here, let's take one of the terrifying tales and put it right here in front of you. Let's see if you are as chilled to the bone as I am. To make it even scarier, picture it being read in a very deep voice, like Thurl Ravenscroft or James Earl Jones.

5. Dissecting the Disabled

I was student #4 in a total of nine university students studying towards becoming a science professor. We were all equipped with a lab coat and a small cutting utensil. The objects placed in front of us were different for each person. The items ranged from a severed pig's head to the crushed skeletal remains of an infant who's life had apparently been savagely stolen by his own step-dad's 30lb sledge hammer.
I would be dissecting, taking notes and generally showing off my knowledge learned from study on a select piece that had been cut out of a mentally disabled males body. It was the genital area and the anus. Basically the top half had been chopped off at the waist and the bottom half was cut at the top of the leg. We each went one by one as the professor and the students watched whoever was up. It was now my turn. "Well, let's see what you've learned #4," requested the Professor.
I prepared by cracking my neck and knuckles and took a deep breath with my dissecting tool in hand. At an astonishingly rapid pace, I then circumcised the rotten Pete. After the foreskin had been removed, the awful stench of dead smegma build-up filled my nostrils and made me gag. Ignoring the nauseating odor, I continued by neutering the bozac of the deceased. Next, I castrated the retarded son of a bitch, performed a vasectomy and concluded with an impressive reverse-vasectomy. Finally, I grabbed the mentally challenged hunk of decomposing meat and sodomized the shit out of it while performing fellatio on the severed shaft.
My classmates applauded in awe at my agility and swiftness. I popped the collar of my lab coat arrogantly and walked away. There was no need to see the rest of the students' feeble attempts at defeating me. The game had been won. The smile on my face at that moment was wider than it had ever been. I had succeeded.

Are you still here? I'm sure at least some of you ran screaming in terror or at least had to go and change your underwear. Brutal stuff, isn't it? It's very hard for the average person to make it through such a terrifying tale without slipping into panic attacks.

We have the setup: The narrator is a university student working towards the esteemed title of "science professor". Truly a noble cause, and we as the writer are inclined to hope for good fortune to shine upon our host.

And apparently it has, as the genitals and anus of a "metally disabled males body" became available. For what it's worth, I couldn't tell you the difference between a standard man's anus and a mentally challenged man's anus, but hey, HE'S the med student. I guess we have to defer to his knowledge.

He paints an intricate picture for us, giving us all of the detail and knowledge necessary for the reader to garner a complete understanding of the situation. "Basically the top half had been chopped off at the waist and the bottom half was cut at the top of the leg."

Wait, top half of what? The anus? The "genital area"? The disabled man? The top was cut at the mid and the bottom at the top of the bottom. Ohhh... Got it.

And now our student is forced to show what he's learned. Of course, as reader we're not certain yet what skill he will be exhibiting. But the next chilling passage will begin our nightmarish understanding.

"At an astonishingly rapid pace, I then circumcised the rotten Pete." Read enough of his work and you will see "Pete" is his standard slang for male genitalia. I like it because it feels so natural. If I had a nickel for every guy I've known who called his junk "Pete", I'd have a nickel. (Thanks, Korey666!)

Beyond this he seems impressed with his amazing speed and dexterity. Have you ever watched video of a circumcision? This is an intense process that can take upwards of thirty seconds, so being able to perform superfast circumcisions on dead people is a skill that will doubtless be in high demand when the narrator is later "doing science" as a professor.

"I continued by neutering the bozac of the deceased."

My bozac is LITERALLY aching right now at this very thought.

"Next, I castrated the retarded son of a bitch, performed a vasectomy and concluded with an impressive reverse-vasectomy."

Again, seriously, you're working on nothing but a dude's junk and anus. Ascribing negative social connotations to it just reeks of an immature writer looking to shock me with such "over the top" words as, "retard, homo, and faggot". Oh wait, he uses faggot SEVEN times throughout the course of these stories. Never mind...

The fun of this part, though, is the famed "reverse vasectomy". For reals, this guy didn't just perform a vasectomy on a retarded man's discarded nads, no, he performed a REVERSE vasectomy as well, and a god damned impressive one, I might add.

Fuck yeah, man, pat yourself on the back. A reverse vasectomy? This guy will the be the DEAN of the science department before this story is through. Damn!

And then comes the money shot, the line that makes it all worthwhile. This is the very sentence that the reader has been waiting for...the climax. After this we're in denouement territory, so make it a good one:

"Finally, I grabbed the mentally challenged hunk of decomposing meat and sodomized the shit out of it while performing fellatio on the severed shaft."

Holy hell, this guy is HARDCORE! I haven't even finished massaging out the pain in my bozac and now he's totally "sodomizing the shit" out of a discarded anus! And not just ANY anus, a mentally challenged hunk of decomposing anus. I might be more inclined to refer to it as bodily challenged at this point, but my argument is moot because Korey666 is sodomizing the shit out of it WHILE fellating the severed shaft! I'd give anything to be able to write with such flowing strokes, to have such words of beauty made visible to the reader.

But no, I feel that Korey666 is miles ahead of me.

His character is now satisfied that he is the best. No other student may challenge his abilities. Seriously, who could? Could anybody here neuter a bozac and sodomize a rotting anus while fellating a severed Pete in such a timely manner and with such STYLE?

With a story this intense, this mind rapingly horrifying, how best to end it? What do you do to top what will doubtless leave the reader shivering sleepless in their bed? Easy, kill yourself.

"Feeling more accomplished than ever, I treated myself to a giant pipe brutally cracking my skull in two."

Oh Korey666, you're so clever. What a great end to an amazing tale.


I will be posting more of Korey666's magnum opus, "Creepy Tales from the Darkside" in the coming days. When all is said and done I will post his work in its entirety to be enjoyed for what it is, a grand masterpiece.