Korey666's Triumphant Return

Posted by E

Thursday, January 8, 2009

8. Bloody Briss

I decided to avoid traffic by taking the back roads in an attempt to hopefully arrive sooner. I was already late and knew that the attendants were all waiting on me now. I also didn’t want to get pulled over by a cop on one of the main roads and have him arrest me for being drunk as fuck. After taking another swig of rum I tossed the now empty bottle to the backseat and slammed the pedal to the floor. There were no pedestrians or other vehicles in sight. As my ride soared down the country road, I estimated it would take another five to ten minutes until I arrived at the house.
When I finally did arrive, I stumbled from out of my car and headed lethargically towards the front door. While knocking on the door, I glanced down at my watch and realized I was later than I had expected. They had now been waiting for me for over an hour. The door opened revealing about twenty friends and relatives gathered within the house. I was greeted by Sherin, the mother of the baby. “We’ve been waiting for you!” she said with a smile.
“I’m sorry Sherin, something came up at the last minute.”
“Oh? Is everything alright?” she asked with a concerned look.
“Don’t worry, everything is fine now,” I assured her. “Let’s get started, shall we?”
As I removed my jacket and boots, I peered into the living room and noticed there were even more guests than I had seen from the doorway. There were almost twice as many in sight now, all standing with fancy wine glasses in hand. They stood throughout the living room, dining room and kitchen casually chatting with one another. In my drunken mind state, their voices sounded like nothing more than a loud buzzing of incoherent babble.
Having finally arrived, the briss could now begin. If you don’t already know what a briss is, it’s the traditional Jewish ceremony where a newborn infant is circumcised exactly eight days after he has been born. The parents had hired me to remove the foreskin from the child.
I joined the family in the living room and was told to have a seat in the chair that was placed in the center of the room by the babies father. I sat down comfortably and asked Sherin to hold the baby for me. She complied and restrained her son while I reached into my large black bag filled with circumcision tools and prepared to go to work.
Without warning, a murderous, senile expression formed on my face and instead, I pulled out a giant axe from the bag and held it over my head. I swung the axe down towards the infants dick, detaching his shaft and leaving the little faggot forever celibate. Veins began bulging from my neck and biceps as the attendants of the briss gasped in horror. I turned the axe around in my hand and sent it sailing towards my head, splitting my own face in half. Chunks of my brain shot from out of my head and sprayed the guests as my body collapsed to the floor in a pool of my own blood.


"Ooh, scary," as Count Floyd might say.

Yet another tragic tale of misery and horror spun for us by the great Korey666, master of the macabre, tyrant of terror, the hierophant of horror.

Okay, maybe not. More like another heapin' helpin' of Korey666's inscrutable misanthropy. A story so horrific that you can smell the odor of sun-warmed garbage wafting through your nostrils as you choke and heave your way to the end.

In this unnerving fright fest we join Rabbi Korey666, as he goes about his rabbi business in a drunken haze, making his way towards his unsuspecting victims' home, in order that he might perform what will ultimately become a fatal "briss" on a young child.

Note number one to Korey... Check your spelling. We're all guilty of a minor spelling error here and there, but spelling bris with an extra "s" is kind of a biggie. Especially when you're trying to make us believe that YOU ARE A RABBI. Jewish holy men tend to know the vocabulary associated with their religion.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

So I cut off the infadels head in the name of Alah.
I held aloft the crusafix and said, "The power of Krist compels you" as I cast the demon out.

And therein lies the lesson. No Muslim would misspell Allah or infidel, much as no Christian would miss crucifix or Christ.

I know it might seem like I'm splitting hairs here, but again, you're supposed to be portraying a man who has studied the Torah his entire life. I would suspect that the ceremonies you are granted the power to perform would be understood by you.

But don't let yourself be saddened by all this. I'm really just trying to help you out. I know you really want nothing more than to shock and offend your audience. More power to you, man. There's a lot of fun to be had in that type of writing.

If you want to do that, why not take the bris to its logical conclusion? A little bit of research gives you some opportunities to work with here.

Ever heard of Metzitzah? That's a controversial practice wherein the newly circumcised genitals of the baby are sucked on by the mohel (that'd be you, Korey) in order to promote healing. Besides conjuring a sickening mental image, you get another bonus. Know why it's controversial and infrequently practiced nowadays? Because it has been shown to transmit herpes from the mohel to the baby in some cases.

There you go, man. Baby circumcision sucking followed by herpetic transmission. That's some pretty nasty stuff. For an added bonus, pop the foreskin in your mouth for the seudat mitzvah (a celebratory meal enjoyed after the bris).

Wow, see what TEN MINUTES of research can do for you? You get to take it to a new level while maintaining at least an air of believability.

There's what I would suggest to help sicken the mood and offend the reader. I'd use some clever wording, no doubt, but that's the gist of it. What route did you take?

OH YEAH, you produced an AXE out of your "large black bag filled with circumcision tools" (which would only consist of a scalpel, gloves, sterilization pouch and a glass tube for the metzitzah) and somehow managed to swing a chop DOWNARDS and remove the penis of a baby which is being held by its mother.

Dude. Seriously?

So, you bust onto the scene, all slick like a semitic Steve McQueen, and after convincing AN ENTIRE HOUSE FULL of people that you're actually a rabbi, you try to chop off the penis of a baby WHILE ITS MOTHER HOLDS IT.

Let me give you a visual aid. (Click on the picture to see an AWESOME animation.)



Clever mom, isn't she? She happened to notice you pulling an axe out of your bag, drawing it back, swinging it over your head and bringing it down towards her future grandchildren and just pulled it out of the way.

See, Korey, that's how this story really ends.

In my version of the story they would have noticed the drunk kid in the Slipknot shirt pretending to be a middle-aged rabbi and called you on it. But even for shits and giggles I'll pretend that you made it in the house.

The fact of the matter is: you didn't cut off that baby's junk. His wang maintained entirety. There is simply NO WAY IN HELL you pulled that off. Even if mother DIDN'T pull the baby out of the way, how did you manage to (and I paraphrase) detach his shaft and leave the little faggot forever celibate?

Look at the picture closely, Korey.

Baby junk is tiny. Really, really tiny. The edge of an axe is rather blunt. They're not sharp instruments. Beheadings by axe were a pretty messy affair, because they're much better at mushing things than perfectly slicing them.

Even then, the baby is held in its mother's arms. Do you think she's going to leave him there and absorb the impact so that you can manage a clean cut? Are you so precise that you can cut off an object smaller than half a tube of Rolaids with an axe? Are you Shaggy 2 Dope, pulling your axe from your holster with a quickness?

No, you're just an idiot from a literary perspective.

At best you would have managed to smash the baby's midriff up a bit. Very unlikely that you would manage any severe damage. And either way, the other 30 people or so in the house would be "fucking the shit out of your anus" or some such drivel by the time that axe got within 5 feet of that baby. But, whatever. You're the master spinner of stories here.

So, after determining that an infant is a "faggot" (something medical science has yet to be able to figure out) you go for the ultimate finish, the famed "axe through the head suicide".

I take two issues with this ending to your story.

The first is simple. I defy you to do that. Go ahead. (This isn't just for Korey, we can ALL play along, kids.) Grab an axe, turn it towards your face and split your head in half. Bet you can't.

Hell, grab a knife and make a deep and injurious cut on yourself. (Emo cutters, no fair, you can't play.) You can't.

Why? Because our bodies are kind of programmed to NOT KILL OURSELVES.

Suicide is not an easy thing to do, man. Many, many people fail at their attempt to end their own life. The reasons being that A) we're wired to survive at all costs and B) WE'RE WIRED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS. Anybody with the fortuity to actually split their own head in half with an axe is not likely to be performing a bris beforehand. They will be so detached from reality as to be nonfunctional in society.

But again, hey, whatever. It's your story.

But there's still one thing left that's bothering me.

Oh, I know what it is! You killed yourself in THIRD PERSON PAST TENSE.

"Chunks of my brain shot from out of my head and sprayed the guests as my body collapsed to the floor in a pool of my own blood."

Really? That happened? When did you find time to write about it?

For fuck's sake, man, if you're going to "shock" your audience by engaing in an act like AXE SUICIDE, at least take the time to write it, I don't know, from your OWN perspective? Maybe, just maybe write it as if it were happening NOW, so that the shock was, errr, SHOCKING?

One day I will sit down and rewrite your stories and hand them back. It would really be a fun challenge.

But, as rough as I treat you Korey666, I do have to thank you for one thing. You have given me the single greatest line ever written in the history of language. If I could end every comedy piece I'd ever written with this line I would.


"AWWW FUCKIN' GOD, MY BLOODY PETE, A-HOLE AND NIPPLES HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED TO ASHES!!!"